Amy's in Love

LIFE- has so much fear and loss

2011-06-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Loss it is overwhelming. It is emotional. It is pain. Sometimes this new world I find myself in makes me want to run away! I can't tell you how many of my "friends" I have seen experience the loss of their heart baby. I just don't want any of it anymore! I am so tired of the loss the sadness the death! I feel like my heart can't bare anymore. I can't help but put myself in there place in my mind every time I hear of a death... especially when one of the sweet babies happen to have one of Ella's conditions. In the last month I have been closely following a new baby girl named Timber. Timber had HLHS. Her mom needed a friend that knew what she was going through. I was able to step up to the plate and did so with honor. I somewhat keep myself at a distance when it comes to heart family's... I know that sounds absolutely selfish, but right now it's just what I have to do. I share openly on the blog in hopes that someone can benefit, but as far as being part of the world, it is very heavy. I hope one day to be able to be there for any heart mom any time. But until we are past the surgeries and Ella is well on her way to recovery the only way to keep my sanity is to focus and try to be around normal healthy people with normal activities. I feel like I want to give to others, but emotionally I just don't have much in me left to give. It is just too close to home right now. Occasionally for reasons unknown to me I feel God leading me to some heart mom's specifically. I pray for them, follow them, and do what I can. I have a handful of heart babies that God has placed heavily on my heart. One was sweet Timber. I was contacted by a family friend's niece about her Mom's co-workers niece who had just been born with HLHS. For some reason I felt drawn to her and felt the Lord strongly leading me to take her mom Jennifer under my wing. Answer any questions, pray for her, lift her up. I have been texting everyday or so with her mom checking in on this sweet little girl. Things slowly went down hill and today Her mom texted me that she had passed away this evening. I read the text and thought to myself what on earth do I say to this mother's grieving heart? I found myself offering sympathy and prayers... what more is there to give? So much to bare. I held back tears as I felt like I was going to fall apart by all the weight. How much more is this mother feeling??? It was a numb like feeling of disbelief and at the same time I had a "feeling" she was heading the wrong way for some time now. Through out the evening tears have surfaced and it's all I can do to keep them back, after all this is part of our life now. It is hard to bare, and moments like this is when I think about the next surgery that we have yet to face. When she will be old enough to know what is happening, to beg me to help her, to stop them. Another open heart surgery with all the risk that entails.I just want to beg God not to make us go through this again. I don't know how much more Ella's heart can handle, let alone my heart. I don't know what our future holds, but tonight my heart is heavy and the fear is great.

LIFE- can be lonely

2011-02-11T17:52:00.000-08:00

I have missed so so so much over the past 14 months. Church, friends, get togethers, parties, family dinners, holidays, funerals, shopping, date nights, hair appointments, movies, girls night... everything. And although being with Ella is amazing, tonight I am missing my niece jasmine and savanna's birthday... and I feel sad, very very sad.

LIFE- is so deep

2011-02-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

Well so many things go through my mind daily. So many things have changed, some for the good some not so much. I am a mom. I love it more than words. The road to motherhood was hard, long, and nearly took my life. I feel at times that I have lost myself, I feel strange, I feel that Ella is all the good I have. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt beautiful, it takes so much effort to put together an outfit, I don't remember that last time I wore all my make-up, jewelry is almost a joke, my hair... well I'm lucky if I even wash and dry it. These things aren't to be blamed on motherhood, because mothers can still look good. So what is it? Maybe it's that fact that I haven't been anywhere but hospitals or home for the last 14 months, maybe it's because of my physical state, maybe it's because it isn't important enough to me... maybe it's just me. It's not really fair to Jon the way I look now. Having a baby changed my body, but not the way it changes most. No stretch marks or belly fat, but sickness and severe weight loss. I weighed 135lbs the day before the c-section. I weighed 108 a few days later and have continued to lose. I pump every four hours... everyday, I change multiple diapers a day, I feed baby girl, I monitor baby girl. But that isn't the issue here, I'm not the only mom of a special needs baby recovering from a severely difficult pregnancy. I guess I have put myself on the back burner, not the good way of self sacrificing mom and wife, but the lazy just don't take care of myself because it's more work. I used to take going to church for granted, now I realize just how hard life can be without the constant spiritual uplift and fellowship with friends. My life has indeed changed, I feel a little lost sometimes. I am a mom but the truth is I am a heart mom and it makes a difference. We have the constant cloud of death lingering and limitations a broken heart brings. I have heard of the importance to have a support group of other heart moms and families, maybe it's still a hint of denial but I can't seem to submerse myself in the world of broken hearts because in that life is constant heartache and loss. It is a constant reminder that all of our children are fighting and many of them lose. Yet how could I possibly expect my other mommy friends to understand, they can imagine, but they haven't walked the path nor will they face it forever. I want Ella to have heart friends and healthy friends, I want her to feel normal and except who she is, I want her to know the risk without living in fear... I wonder if that is possible. I don't know what it's like to grow up with half a broken heart... I don't know what she will face... I don't know how to raise her. I just have to do my best raising her with love and a fear of the Lord. I feel like I am raising her blindly, maybe that's where mom's of older heart kids might come in handy... but I just don't want to have to ask a stranger how to raise my daughter, I am her momma, I should know. Ella and I are so different, she will have so many experiences I never had to face, so how will I know what to say to her. I wonder if every mom feels this way at one point or another regardless if their baby is healthy or not. I know God chose me to be her mom surely He will give me the wisdom to be there for her the way that she needs me. She has brought so much joy to my life I almost feel intimidated by her already, I feel like she is going to be a great woman for God full of love and she will far surpass me. Well just some thoughts floating around up in my head. I have been doing some soul searching lately I have a lot of work to do, I am just so humbled that God chose me to be Ella's mommy... I really hope I can live up to my calling.

LIFE- is going

2010-12-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

Well my poor munchkin seems a little fussy today, especially for her. Maybe she misses her daddy since he went back to work today after being home so much over the Christmas holiday! Maybe it's because I think her tummy hurts. I don't know why she is, but it makes me sad. Trying to get Ella on a schedule has been fairly easy, but here lately she has decided to stop sleeping at night :p Letting her cry it out isn't exactly easy considering that I can't let her get too mad because of her heart. At the same time I am trying to keep her from becoming spoiled... well maybe a little spoiling is ok :) That girl has had two blow outs in one day... lots of laundry! Anyway life is going and even though it is hard, I sure do love it! :)

LIFE- can be heavy

2010-11-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

So lately... well the last year life has been pretty heavy. It has been full of more extremes in that roller coaster called life than ever before. Sometimes I feel so much older than I really am, my body aches and the dark circle and bags under my eyes seem to get more obvious with each passing day. Sometimes I forget that I'm 22 not 60! I have been learning a very valuable lesson lately about cherishing every day, and every moment of life. All life should be celebrated daily. So much of my attention has been on Ella lately that their isn't much of a Jon and I anymore. I know when you become parents especially parents of a special needs baby life is all about that child for a while. Well for the first time in about a year while baby was taking a 4 hour nap, "Amy" went outside to play with "Jon". Yes life has made us officially mommy and daddy and we love it, but just every once in awhile we miss each other. We enjoyed the crisp fall air, played catch with the football, talked, ran, and LAUGHED! It felt amazing to be a couple without the weight of the world even for a short time! I hadn't realized how much I missed this man that I have been blessed to have in my life! I think I miss our once a week date nights, I'm sure they will be back once Ella is stable enough to have a babysitter, but in the mean time I am going to enjoy the rare stolen moments to be "us"! I wouldn't trade being a mommy for the way things were, but I needed to just have fun with the man I love and he is just as wonderful as he always was! Jon I'm so sorry life has "aged" me lately, such burdens I have been carrying. I look forward to being healthy and energized again, thank you for your patience with me as I lost so much of me physically during the pregnancy and emotionally this last few months. I promise to try my best to be the wife you deserve and someday find the balance between wife, and mommy! I love you forever, like you for always, you are my BEST friend!

LIFE-means so much more

2010-10-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Eight weeks ago today was the day our miss Ella entered the world... wow! How much joy she has brought to us in such a short time! Being a mom is not at all how I imagined it would be. The things I thought would be "simple" are crazy hard, and the things I thought would be hard make me smile. I remember so well the last days before she was born, even though I had been so sick and I knew she was in danger I was emotional, because I was going to miss being pregnant. Yes it sounds crazy, being a mom kinda does that to you (no offence to mom's :) ) I guess throwing up over 350 times, nearly losing my baby twice, losing 15lbs, being in the hospital 3 separate times, staying in the hospital for over a month, and being practically bedridden all before she was even born makes you wonder why I thought I would miss any of it. I cried because even with every pain that came with it, having her in my life made everything worth it. I cried because I knew that once she was born the REAL pain would begin. It's true that watching your child suffer is far worse than suffering yourself. The night before Ella was born I was so afraid of what we were about to face, knowing that she was going to hurt and maybe not even survive. My baby girl was about to fight with everything she had for her life... and I was completely helpless. Once again I was reminded that I had to give her to God. That was so hard, I remember how vivid the feelings were inside me. The turmoil that gripped my aching heart. I remember feeling as though God had brought us so far and He had been so faithful but the other feelings that whaled up inside me were feelings of guilt. I remember wondering if I would be strong enough to love God no matter the outcome. You see I knew it was easy to praise and serve Him as long as He gave Ella to me to cherish... but what if He said no. I wanted to know I would be "ok". I don't think I could even begin to describe the love I have for this little girl. I would be curled up balling as I begged God to help me know I would be "ok" no matter what. I remember telling Him that "I would not be ok" I asked Him over and over to forgive me for the questions, I wanted to know that I would remain strong regardless but all I could do was pray for strength for each coming day. Well she is here and still I know she could be taken from me at any moment. Her heart could just give out, she could have a stroke... the list goes on, not to mention at the very least she has to undergo 2 more open heart surgeries. The truth is, I still have those questions in my head. I'm not sure if that's wrong or not, but I am continually striving to love God so much that He is the ONLY thing I need to be "ok". I guess as a parent the love you feel is in a way the most painful thing in life as well as one of the biggest blessings. It's strange but wonderful! Isn't it pathetic how hard it is to give your child to God, even though she is His already and He can do way better taking care of her than we could ever dream. lol I have to laugh at my stupidity. As the hours past the night before she was born, tears were cried, verses were read, songs were sung, and many prayers were said. I have tears in my eyes as I remember telling her how much I loved her and couldn't wait to see her beautiful face and touch her sweet hand. You see that night as I laid in bed I knew that it could be my last night with her, I was cherishing every single second. I wished her happy birthday at midnight and then we sang happy birthday to our daughter hoping that we would have many more opportunities to sing that song to her. The morning she was to be born was so unrealistic to me, I was scared to have the c-section since I was the first in my family I didn't really know what to expect. For the most part on the outside I was composed, inside I felt a whirlwind of emotions, I can't tell you how many times I wanted to grab Jon's hand and run away. I said I would stay pregnant forever if I knew she would be ok, being sick would have been a very small price to pay for my baby's life. But I knew I couldn't run anymore, it was time (after a seven hour delay). With tears in my eyes and fear in my heart I entered the operating room. Getting the spinal pretty much made me forget about everything else I'm not going to lie lol but yet the tears in my eyes were very much still there. Soon after the doctor began I remember all the sudden I couldn't stop smiling, since their was nothing I could do to stop it from happening I was going to cherish it! I looked at Jon anxiously then there it was I heard a very tiny cry and I began to laugh and tears of joy ran down my face as I realized, that was OUR baby. The baby we had worked so hard to meet, the baby that I never knew if I would get the chance to hear. I have never felt so much joy! They immediately held her up for Jon and I to see, by that time she had stopped crying and was a blueish grey color, Jon and I each reached up and took one of her hands. I was hooked, she indeed had stolen my heart. After about 5 seconds the doctor told me she had to send her away, I hesitantly said ok, I told Ella that I loved her and in a matter of minutes Ella, Jon, and a huge team of doctors were out the door. I was left there on the table still in surgery, with the best memory to relive over and over. Eventually I was moved to recovery. After several hours I was still unable to move my legs enough to get into a regular bed even though the pain was very strong (go figure lol) finally the decision was made to move me to my room on the stretcher. I wanted to see Ella so badly, I tried and tried to get up to get in a wheelchair, but I couldn't even hardly move. It was sometime around 3:30a.m before I finally tried to get some rest. After about two hours of sleep and 12 hours since she was born I was determined to get into a wheelchair. So I called Jon and my dad to come help me. It was about 7:30am on Aug. 10th that I FINALLY was able to go see Ella Dawn! I smiled and cried the entire way to the other hospital. Everyone that I saw on the way there would ask me if I was okay, I would try to tell them I was going to see my baby for the first time, but I could never say it without a huge smile and buckets of tears! I had been up for 21 hours, had a baby, slept for 2 hours, had been up another 2 hours, and was in the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life when I went to see her. I had the post pregnancy hormones, plus I had just had a baby with a 2 severe heart defects... I was beyond emotional. I was so happy to see her but also sad, because I couldn't stand to see her and give her a kiss. My heart ached to hold her and kiss her. After a somewhat short visit I hesitantly went back to my hospital room to rest. The next day when I went to see her I was able to give her a kiss. The following day I was discharged from the hospital and I got to spend all day in her room. They let me HOLD HER for the very first time, I held her for about 4 or 5 hours straight. They finally made me put her back, but right before I did her stats began to rapidly drop, they had to "bag" her (pump oxygen for her) she was limp and looked lifeless. Fear swept over me unlike anything I had ever felt. She was fine, but I wasn't, that was a BIG reality check for me. It was at that moment that I first felt a glimpse of what it would be like to lose her now that she was part of our lives... and I was scared. I continued to improve leaps and bounds each day in my recovery, for that I was extremely grateful. It was exactly one week from the day she was born they took her back to do her first open heart surgery. The doctors let us walk with them to take her to the operating wing of the hospital, they stopped before entering the double doors and gave us a minute to tell her we loved her. You see we knew the risk of her having a good turn out with this surgery was slim, we said a very emotional "c ya later" and "I love you" and they whisked her away as she disappeared through those doors, I clung on to Jon and weaped. Once again I was helpless... The surgery was supposed to take about 5 to 7 hours and we were supposed to get updates every hour. Well and hour in we got an update, all was well and on track. The next hour past...nothing, yet another hour past, by this time we are getting nervous. We get a call, it goes like this: "is this the father of Ella Burk" "yes" "umm someone is going to come and get you to bring you to the consultation room and the surgeon will be up to talk to you shortly" "(silence)" "sir?" "uh, okay" "click" We looked at each other and we knew something had to be wrong it had only been three hours. We prayed... HARD. We waited in that room for about ten minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Long story short the surgeon told us that she had more damage than he had anticipated and therefore he did a procedure that had never been done before! After he explained it all, we found out she was stable. We took a sigh of relief and a deep breath. We had lots going on after that with her, but it was exactly one week before her next open heart surgery. All went well and she came out a fighter. The doctors all called her a "rock star" that's what they call babies that are doing great! We had a very scary time where we were on the verge of having to put her on a life support type machine it is basically a bypass machine, and it is a very last resort. After lots of prayers, and several hours we made it through without the machine. Once a nurse accidentally injected potassium instead of calcium strait into her heart... and yet she lived. She is a miracle indeed, and I am blessed daily by her life. I remember feeling like I was her mom but it felt very different then I had anticipated, I think it was the circumstances though because now it feels very natural to be her mommy! I remember one of the doctors telling Jon and I that we would need to leave the hospital for a night or we would get worn out before the end of our stay. So after being there for five days strait, we left late one night to sleep at the Ronald McDonald house. My mom and dad kept a watchful eye on Ella along with her nurse. I bawled, and called every three hours, needless say leaving Ella all night was NOT restful. I didn't go through nine months of torture to leave her now! We are a family, we stick together, apparently he underestimated this momma! Ella is a blessing far grater than I could imagine. I just told Jon the other day, even if we don't get to keep her, I'm so glad we got to get to know her! Coming home for the first time was amazing, life has been quite different then it was, but it is great! The responsibility of being a mom weighs heavy; however, being a heart mom really adds to the responsibility part. Constantly watching her breathing patterns, watching for any color changes in her skin, keeping her away from all germs, don't forget to change the diaper (one of her meds makes her go the bathroom often), give her her meds (3 meds, 2times a day 2 meds once a day,), pump, defrost milk for her next feeding, feed the baby, watch her for on hour or so to make sure she isn't going to throw up (she is getting more calories then a non heart baby gets, and she has a hard time digesting sometimes) and the list goes on... I remember a few days after we got home we got up and were getting ready to give her the morning meds Jon looked at me and said "we didn't give her her meds last night" me "WHAT!?!" That was a reminder that it is going to be very difficult to remember everything their is to remember being a heart mom (doctor appt. meds. ect.) I prayed and asked the Lord to remind me of anything important like that in the future. I felt like a horrible mom I forgot my child's heart medication!!! Can you say loser?! lol Somehow we have made it to week 8 and so has she. The journey thus far seems so much longer than 8 weeks but I guess it's in a way a lifetime... Ella's lifetime and a special one at that!

LIFE- is so amazing

2010-09-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

This is my baby girl in the arms of the man I love... can life get any better than that? Yes Daddy is quite obviously her hero and I completely understand why :)

2010-08-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

Crying an emotion that these days is never far away. For the most part the days come and go with a flow and I just take it one day at a time. But every once in a while that day comes along that emotionally jerks you to a screeching halt. Why today? I have no clue, Ella is doing great and moving along just as she should be. But mom, well I'm not doing so great today. My heart is sad it has been nine days since I have gotten to hold baby Ella, and honestly it is hard to bare. Sitting in a hospital room 24/7 for 22 days just watching helplessly as your baby lays there in pain. She has a large incision down her chest, she has 5 additional holes from drain tubes that have been stitched closed, she has oxygen that is making her nose bright red and stretched, she has a feeding tube down her nose, she has an iv in her right hand and it is strapped to a stiff pillow making it more like a cast and imposable to bend her arm, she also has an iv in her left foot and it too is strapped up tight like a cast, she has a blood pressure cuff around her right leg and also a thermometer strapped to the bottom of that foot, she also has one of those pulse things on that foot as well, she has a very very sticky sticker on her back to monitor her kidneys and also one on her forehead to monitor her brain, than she has the 5 circle stickers connected to wires that monitor her heart, she also currently has three wires that are like iv's that go strait into her heart and also she has two wires coming out of her heart that they use to hook up a pace maker on the outside of her body if necessary. Seeing her from head to toe is hard, she is such a strong little girl. I don't think that today is bad, it's just one of those days where everything hits you really hard and you feel like you can't handle all of it. I'm so grateful that I can just hand it to the Lord, and that I can cry when I need to. So many things to say but my thoughts are so jumbled that it wouldn't even make since to anyone but me, so I will sit in this chair in the corner of the room with my thoughts, try my best to sort them, take a deep breath, thank the Lord for the blessings of today, and keep on taking one moment at a time.

P.S. Ella is getting her voice back for the first time since she got off the ventilator... hearing my baby make noises for the first time is priceless!

LIFE- is a gift

2010-08-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

What a miracle, here I am sitting by my daughters bedside watching her sleep. Every once in a while she opens her eyes sleepily, looks to make sure I'm still here than back off to dream land she goes. As I take this journey I am amazed at all the things God has brought us through, He has truly walked with us through everything. I have learned how very powerful prayer is! I have experienced love from Friends, family, and even people I don't know at a whole new level. God is so good to show His love through others! Although this journey has been so long and it is only really just begun, somehow I am excited about the future even though at times it is overwhelming. This path God chose for us isn't what we would have chosen for ourselves, but we wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. Although this life will have many adjustments we didn't expect to make, this life will be filled with a deeper love, more cherished moments, stronger bonds, and most importantly a deeper trust in the one who gave us everything, My Jesus! My sweet Ella Dawn has brought more joy than I ever thought possible, she truly is my sunshine, her eyes make my heart smile. One of the hardest things about all of this is the lack of contact with my baby, sometimes I don't feel like a mom at all, but when she looks in my eyes the feeling that sweeps over my body is indescribable... and I am sure that I am her mom! Getting the chance to love someone this much is a wonderful experience, watching someone you love this much suffer is harder than you can imagine. Knowing that God is in control is sometimes the only thing I can cling to, even at her bedside I am completely helpless to do anything at all, and that is a heartbreaking helplessness unlike any other. I am so blessed beyond measure at the unfailing support of Jon, he is truly un-human at times, he somehow manages to be the perfect husband and the perfect daddy!!! Watching him with Ella brings tears to my eyes and I fall in love with him at a whole new level! Ella is already in love with her daddy, she searches the room for him when she hears him talking, and seeing my tiny baby in Jon's big strong arms somehow makes me feel safe. I just know that as long as Jon is here and able Ella and I will be taken care of! God knew what He was doing when He gave us Jon... us girls need our man! I can't wait to hold my sweet Ella again, I don't know how long it will be, but I know it won't be soon enough!!! Holding her for the first time was the most incredible thing in the whole entire world... wow what a blessing! I can't tell you the countless times I prayed through tears that I would have that moment, God is so good to give us blessings along the way! As I type this my eyes are filling with tears as I remember all the times I begged God to not make us walk this path, begging him through sobbing prayers in the night to heal my baby girl, feeling her wiggle inside as I prayed. Little did I know that walking this path, I have experienced His love for me in a whole new way, I have felt love and support that I never would have, and I cherish Ella so much more than I would have. Even though this is far more than I "bargained" for... I know God is good all the time. Ella is truly a blessing, she has touched the lives of so many, God has strengthened others prayer walks with Him through her life... that includes me!The night after Ella's third heart surgery our little baby took a very severe turn for the worse, as we set there helpless to change anything, the only thing to do was stare at her stats and wait. Jon and I began to pray, first separately than together. As we prayed in her room the doctors continued to try to figure someway to get her racing heartbeat under control and back in rhythm. When we said amen, not even a few minutes later the Doctor said "wait" "what just happened", her stats had stabilized, "we didn't do anything" all the nurses and doctors said wow that's great. Jon and I immediately turned to one another and exchanged a smile. We knew what had "just happened" God "happened"!!! It is at times like this when we are helpless and the news is bad that the former "me" would have fallen apart, not to say I didn't feel fear, but being able to put her in God's hands and see the results so quickly truly builds my faith like no other. I am constantly ready to see what God is going to do next in our lives! No this journey isn't easy and no it is not without fear and pain, but God is working in our lives and Ella is being so strong, we love her more than words. Dear Lord, thank you for Ella's life, thank you for all You have done this far. Thank you for all of the people that are praying so faithfully for our family, thank you for all of the blessings we have received. Thank you for providing for us. Please continue to work in our lives and in Ella's life, please make us who You want us to be. May You be honered and glorified by our words and actions. We thank You for all that You are going to do, we love You and we trust You, amen

LIFE- can be full of what ifs

2010-07-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

You know what I think is one of the hardest things for me to handle during this season is all the what ifs. They are everywhere and they are constant. I try so hard to focus on positive thoughts and I try desperately to lay all of my burdens and anxieties at Christ's feet... I fail everyday. Sure I win some of the battles in my mind but ultimately everyday when the tears come and fill up my eyes I feel so much fear. What if she dies... what if I'm not ok... what if Jon's not ok... what if she lives for a while and than dies... what if I never get to hold her... what if she is in pain... what if they have to do a heart transplant... what if we have to move away from home for good... what if, what if, what if. I seriously could go on for pages all of the questions swirling furiously through my thoughts everyday all day long. So sure I win some of the battles but when every thought is a battle, winning a few doesn't seem very good :/ I know that some of the feelings that I am having must be normal for someone in my situation, but sometimes I'm not sure what feelings are normal and what feelings aren't. Sometimes there is guilt, even though every doctor that I have ever talked to almost immediately informs me that this had nothing to do with anything that I did or didn't do. Sometimes I feel like God is trying to teach me how to depend fully on Him and because I didn't learn my lesson sooner Ella has to suffer. Sometimes I feel as though I wouldn't be a good enough mother so God is going to take her. Sometimes I feel like everyone is watching me waiting to see how I'm going to handle what happens. Oh so many confusions in this head, I can't even express... The fear is so real, but so is God's peace I am just really bad at laying down my burdens at His feet and letting His peace fill my heart. I so wish things were different but I would never trade Ella for anything. The questions are so very overwhelming. If you are reading this blog I ask that in addition to praying for Ella's heart that you would pray for me as well, I desperately want to enjoy the last 9 days I have left with her in my stomach I have been dealing with headaches everyday, still having nausea everyday, I am now dealing with severe heartburn that lasts all day and all night, I am weak and scared. I know Ella is the one with the heart defects, but I feel like my heart is the one that is broken. So although I have asked for so many prayers for so long now, I am here again asking selfishly for me, I need prayer desperately.

LIFE- IS something to cherish

2010-07-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

World English Dictionary
cherish
1. to show great tenderness for; treasure
2. to cling fondly to (a hope, idea, etc); nurse

cher·ish
1.
to hold or treat as dear; feel love for
2.
to care for tenderly; nurture: to cherish a child.
3.
to cling fondly or inveterately to: to cherish a memory

Cherishing Ella today... Don't let the worry of the future keep you from cherishing the present!

LIFE- can be emotional

2010-07-11T18:30:00.001-07:00

My sweet baby girl has the hiccups as I write this. She always finds a way to bring a smile to my face. So this week has been the most emotional week for me yet, on my way home from Dallas it hit me hard that this was a reality and that although there is hope the reality is that we may only have less than 30 days left with our sunshine. Everyday since then tears have been part of my everyday life, oddly enough often times the tears seem to come when I am in public. Sometimes I get tired of "pulling it together" and constantly trying to hold back the tears filling my eyes. Although I realize that my friends and family would understand, I highly doubt that the couple in the restaurant that had just been discharged from the hospital with their new born baby girl would understand if I walked over to them took their baby in my arms and just sobbed for a while. So I sit at my table quietly letting the tears stream down my cheeks, and when I get too emotional excuse myself to the bathroom let the tears come freely wipe my eyes and finish lunch. It's at times like this that I think about the future and what it holds for us, the pain that we will face regardless if Ella lives or dies. The past few days I have been feeling somewhat overwhelmed and anxious, it's almost a constant battle in my mind, speaking truth to myself, speaking scriptures that I know to be true... hoping that the more I say them the more real they will seem. I am dealing with the questions and fears, doubts, and pain, getting homesick thinking about being in Dallas for so long. Grateful she is still with us and refusing to give up on her, yet trying so desperately to find the balance of preparing myself for the worst. This is a season in my life I never in a million years thought I would face, it truly is the most awful thing to feel so helpless. I often think about how bad things happen to so many people, Christians and non Christians alike, but what I don't understand is how anyone could face what I am facing now and make it through without Jesus. I want to be completely honest, I have asked God many times through tears and even at times anger why this is happening. But He is always with me even as we walk through this darkness and uncertainty. I only hope that I can realize that regardless of the outcome in Ella's life, God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That is an example of one of the many truths I have been speaking to myself that I hope I have the faith to live out if the outcome is not what we are praying for. I can tell you that my faith has been tested and even though I desire with all my heart to trust God with Ella's life it has been very difficult. I desire so badly to be in tuned with God's plan so much so that the trust and faith and peace I would feel would overwhelm me, that others could watch how I am able to walk with the Lord even if He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want. I desire to not be so "human" I want to not question the path He has me on. I realize that it is probably normal to have many of the feelings that I have, but I don't want to be normal, sometimes I want to be extraordinary for Christ! I know that He loves me and that His plan is what is best for me. Time and time again He has shown himself faithful in my life, so why do I question Him? I don't have the answer to that, but I have a feeling that no matter how much I want to trust Him, the questions will continue to grip my heart. I do know that He loves me enough to give me friends and family that are in continuous prayer for us, that offer help on a weekly basis, and He has even been providing through various anonymous financial gifts. I know God is doing great things through this in our lives, I have never felt more loved, or humbled. Some day I desperately want to ask God face to face why this was in my life, not through anger, but so we can rejoice together in how He turned this situation for good. I am trying to come to the realization that I may never know how many people this will affect on the earth, but I intend to find out once I get to heaven. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart in honesty, this is such an outlet for me these days.

LIFE- can be jumbled all up

2010-06-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

So I'll start with a somewhat humerous story that you really don't care about but I feel like writing it down, so unless you are really board stop reading now. Yesterday I had gotton a lot done, I was feeling sick but still feeling somewhat a since of accomplishment! Than around 9pm or so my stomach got really sick (not that it wasn't already upset but it got worse) Anyway so than I was like really hot and I felt short of breath I could not get comfortable at all. Finally in desperation I went to the freezer :) I opened up the door put as much of my body in as possible and just took several deep breaths... this was not working arrgg >:/ So after several minutes I shut the freezer door besides I had to pee. So after reliving my bladder (which wasn't even full, Ella just likes to sit on it ) Jon says why don't you try to get in bed. So off to the bedroom all the while feeling MISERABLE. Well one of my "big" accomplishments that day was the fact that I got the strength up to wash our sheets, stupidly I used a liquid softener (without smelling it first!) I have no idea what I was thinking. So I pull back the covers to get in bed and the smell about knocked me over "gag". Then I had to go brush my teeth because of the AWFUL flavor in my mouth that I can't seem to get rid of these days. So I am brushing my teeth and at this point Jon was trying to get ready for bed too so we were sharing the sink, well I finished brushing my teeth and decided to clean out my ears when I through away the q-tip the trash was too full so it fell on the floor so than I was angry (lol it's funny now) anyway so I told Jon, I am so angry not at you but I'm just angry and I don't know why!!! By this point I was so exhausted from the day and in so much pain I collapsed on the bed regardless of the smell, however I was laying on my back because laying on my side the smell was too strong. I began to feel extremely sorry for myself and I started crying (it really was quite a pathetic site I'm sure!) So I cried for a few minutes than Jon came in and I burst into tears again because I couldn't sleep in those sheets lol yes I was crying over the sheets. Just to make sure you are following me I went from heat flash to angry to feeling sorry for myself to crying because I felt like a bad wife in a matter of about 20 minutes!!! So Jon said that it was fine he would take them off and put on new ones so I said ok with teary eyes. Besides I had to pee... yet again. So Jon re-made the bed. I got in to the only position that I am capable of laying these days, for any period of time anyway, and Jon put his arm over me and sang me and Ella a sweet song than we went to sleep. Well for a little while anyway I woke up about 30 minutes later... I had to pee :/. I went back to bed Jon prayed for us we both talked for a few minutes. Jon lovingly told me that sometimes it's ok to cry and complain and just get it out, by this time all was well and I was smiling again and we fell back asleep. Over the course of the night I had to get up and pee two more times. Than when Jon's alarm went off a 6 I had to go... again. It was quite the adventure lol! I love Jon's patience, and no, I'm not taking it for granted although I do admit to have a tendency to be dramatic, this does not happen on a regular basis just to clarify ;). So anyway this made me feel pretttty ridiculous but Jon was still so amazing!!! This whole pregnancy thing is hard work! I am grateful that it is almost over yet I would give anything to stay pregnant... that doesn't make since but that's how I feel. I just don't know if I will ever have another baby so I am trying soooooo hard to treasure every second of this one, but I'm not gonna lie sometimes I just am tired of feeling so helpless, weak and sick. I am scared about what the future holds for Jon and I, but if I have learned anything through this it is that God is taking care of us! In so many little things through all of this He has showed himself faithful. I am grateful that God loves me even when I have my "pity party's" and I am grateful that he gave me a husband that loves me regardless too! So their it all is... out their to think what you will, maybe you think I'm pathetic, maybe you think I'm immature, maybe you think I'm stupid for writing it all on my blog, maybe you got a laugh out of it, but regardless I admit it was a crazy night lol I'm so glad we are all human :)

LIFE- gives you heros

2010-06-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

Who is your hero? We all have one or many, some are make believe super hero's while others are real people in our lives. In my opinion those are the true hero's. This Sunday is fathers day so I thought I would right a tribute to one of my biggest hero's... my hubby. This is his first fathers day and already he has surpassed any expectation I could have ever had in my imagination. Jon is the type of man that makes you believe that love truly can be unconditional, he is the kind of man that helps you see that there are good people in this world, he's the type of man that makes you want to be a better person. He is the person that continually surprises me with his goodness. He is so selfless, kind, patient, loving, gentle, he is a true servant. This Tuesday I will be eight months pregnant, that means that for eight months this man has given up every luxury for me, he has helped me walk, bathe, eat, throw up, shop, he has taken on all the household chores including the cooking. He makes my breakfast every morning, he has done more than I could ever give him credit for. People keep saying to me "you are doing so great" and " you are so strong" and stuff like that but the truth is Jon is the one doing so great, he is the strong one. You know the saying behind every great man is a great woman.... well in our case it's reversed! I wish Jon could know just how much every act of kindness makes me fall into a deeper love and respect for him. I don't know why God blessed me with such an incredible man but I am truly grateful. I can already tell Ella adores her daddy, she is so going to be a daddy's girl :) He made her room a princess place, he has already picked out and bought her two outfits, he sings to her and talks to her, and he loves her mommy very much. Yup she is a blessed little girl to have Jon as her daddy. I pray that she will get the chance to grow up with her daddy, I pray that she gets the chance to know just how very very much he loves her. I hope that one day she will get to curl up in her daddy's big strong arms and feel safe, I pray that she will get to follow him around and step in his big footprints, I pray that one day he will teach her to drive, that one day he will walk her down the isle, that one day she will thank the Lord for her Daddy and everything he is. Jon thank you for who you are, for your character when I'm the only one around, for everything that you sacrifice, for being truly the most amazing husband and father in the whole world. Thank you for being you, happy first fathers day baby! I love you with my whole heart and I always will! No matter what happens, thank you for making me a mommy. Besides your love, Ella is the best gift you have ever given me!

LIFE- is full of simple

2010-05-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

Life has so many "simples" although life, it's self, is rarely simple. Some of the simple things in life are pleasures that make us smile some of the simple things are truths that make us sad. I have learned to treasure the simple things the small things more and more. When you have some sort of "big event" in your life, it seems to make you kind of look at things differently. Things that once seemed important no longer are, things that you took for granted you value greater. When you are in a state of distress, dispare, helplessness, it's the simple things that help you keep moving forward. Sometimes the simple things in life are truths that are hard to accept for instance bad things happen for no reason sometimes. As I travel through this journey God has me on I am constantly finding myself enjoying simple things more and yet at the same time simple truths have never hurt me so badly. When you are sick for 7 months strait and you have an hour of "relief" I promise, never will you treasure feeling well more. When you throw up everyday or nearly everyday and you are able to enjoy a bite of something refreshing, you don't take it for granted. When the doctors don't have much hope for the child you are carrying in your womb, you find every movement a treasure. When you are helpless and you have a husband serving you with every moment you don't take it for granted. When your heart is breaking and it hurts to breath and God gives you peace you don't take it for granted because once you are nothing, everything is something to cling to.

LIFE- gives you hard days

2010-05-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

Ok so 27 weeks pregnant today, still throwing up, I have my third UTI since I got pregnant, I have a nice big canker sore, and if I eat or drink I feel sick and if I don't eat or drink I feel sick :( this is so not cool! This whole being pregnant thing is like a gazzzillionnn times harder than I thought it would be. Now my sisters can say "I told you so" but in my defence this is more than most pregnancies are! Their are so many emotions I have been having through out all of this. So many questions I've had for God. Sometimes I wonder why He gave us Ella if He just plans to take her away, at the same time I know He may choose to let us keep her. Sometimes I have feelings that aren't really how I feel if that makes since. Sometimes when I think about losing my sweet baby girl the pain is so strong that it's like I would have been better off never getting her, but than she wiggles in my belly or I see her beautiful face and I realize that no matter what happens with Ella I wouldn't trade the time I've had with her for anything in the whole world. My whole life I have wanted my very own baby girl, well even though the circumstances aren't what I had in mind and even though I may not get to have her as long as I wanted. Right now I have a baby girl, she is ours her name is Ella and for however long God allows us to have her I will cherish all of the sweet moments.

LIFE- gives you things you don't understand

2010-05-13T19:58:00.000-07:00

Well I will continue to update here with my feelings and family events, but I have started a separate blog for updates on Ella because there are so many people who have been asking how she is doing. I wanted to kinda keep this blog for just our family and Ella's blog is more for medical updates. So please pass the word around to people who want updates the new blog for her is elladawn.blogspot.com Thank you all for your prayers, honestly I am trying hard, but dealing with all of this is more than I thought possible.

LIFE- can be full of support

2010-05-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

So today I am grateful for so many reasons, I am grateful to have had my first mothers day! I am grateful for my mother! I am grateful for a husband that made the day extra special! And I am so grateful for my sweet Ella Dawn that made me a mother! What does it mean to be a mother? It means so many things, it isn't a glamorous job. It is sacrifice, it is dedication, it is hard work, it is never ending, it is the most important job in the whole world! I know what a mother is because my mother showed me and continues to show me first hand all these things. It's scary sometimes thinking about trying to be all these things, especially when I am so far from that now. That is when the support of people that care about me comes in to play. Being a mom so far has been more than I thought I was capable of, I thought I would have 9 months to prepare, read books about being a new mommy, ask questions, and... life had a different plan for me. For some reason unknown to me, this journey of being a mom for 6 and a half months has already proven to be the biggest challenge I have ever had to face. I hear it doesn't get any easier. Now I know why they say being a mom is the hardest job in the world, it's because it is harder than anyone could ever possibly put into words. It is hard physically and mentally, there is never a moment that you don't think about your child, life is no longer about you... I guess technically life was never supposed to be about me but being a mom has a way of clarifying that :) Honestly being a mom scares me half to death, so much has happened in 26 weeks so much more is going to happen in the next 18+ years. I'm not so sure my nerves are going to be able to handle everything else that is coming. I guess that's why we can't see the future, because we would worry too much about what would be coming. I am so grateful God gives us His strength because I am weak. I am also grateful for all of the AMAZING people in my life that have sacrificed for me during this time. First of all for my incredible husband who is more than even I knew, for my parents who let me "live" with them for two months, especially my mom who stayed with me at the hospital when Jon had to work. For my sisters who even though they have their own beautiful families to care for, they find time to call and check on me. For my dear friends that have never ceased to pray for me Jon and Ella, for their constant support regardless of their own responsibility's and pains. For my church family that have truly reached out to us and held us during this time. For all the people that are praying that I don't even know about. For everybody listening to my constant stories about Ella ;) God is showing me everyday that I have so far to go but that He is willing to take every step with me. Thank you all for the prayers, please continue to pray for Ella's healing we will be having another ultrasound on the 12th and I would love for them to say "she has no defect anymore" God may not have her healing in His plan but I will continue to ask Him, please join me.

LIFE- can be life

2010-04-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

Dreaming about some day... a day where my family is all together, healthy, happy, and praising God! I am dreaming about a little girl full of light and a heart of gold, I am dreaming about watching Jon take on the new role of "daddy" Just the other day he was talking about all that is going on and he said "she is my daughter" I swear I fell in love with him all over again. He is going to be THE most amazing dad EVER! I am dreaming about a day where this season is just a memory, not that I'm wishing it away... it's just I look forward to looking back at everything the Lord has and will bring us through. I am dreaming of a day when Jon and I are old, grey, and still more in love than we thought possible. I am dreaming...

Baby Ella update: Ella is doing well, she is active as all get out ;) I'm glad for the most part, it gives me peace of mind that she is ok and watching my stomach jump makes me smile when I'm feeling low. We are still praying for her complete healing before she is even born! We know that God has a plan either way, we are ready to see what it is. I am still sick, but God is faithful to walk with me. So I have learned something about myself not too long ago that has been proven to be true once again. When I am stressed my physical body screams it! Even though the sickness has never gone away the vomiting had drastically decreased, the week we found out about Ella's heart condition the vomiting returned and forcefully :/ Than yesterday I was having bad cramping all day I called my nurse to make sure that was ok, she said that my doctor said it was most likely stress related (considering the circumstances) that I needed lots of rest, warm baths, Tylenol, and water. This morning I am sporting a rather lovely cold sore on my upper lip another sign of stress :/ Trying not to stress is so stressful lol. I don't feel stressed... well ok I feel a little stressed but this is quite ridiculous. So how do I de-stress?? Suggestions for a sick preggo who doesn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything and spends most days alone???

Work update: Work is going well Jon keeps so busy. We do have a house on the market and we are praying that it sells soon. Since we have sooner care insurance which is biased on income, I don't know what will happen next year insurance wise. This is yet just another area to give to the Lord. We are praying that He will provide all the funds necessary for Ella's surgeries, we have no reason to believe other wise.

Well I guess my posts have been a little "down" lately so here are some things through this pregnancy that have been INCREDIBLE:

~watching TWO lines appear (pregnancy test)

~seeing her heartbeat!

~hearing her heartbeat and seeing her for the first time

~picking out her name

~finding out IT'S A GIRL!

~planning her nursery

~the quiet moments alone with Ella :)

~the support of family and friends

~watching God work

~falling deeper in love with a man that will NEVER leave my side

~realizing at the weirdest times "Oh my Gosh I'm a MOMMY!!!!"

~dreaming about our future

~smiling just because I'm so happy

~God answering our prayers and giving us a baby!

LIFE- can be so fragile

2010-04-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

This is my sweet Ella Dawn.... how very very much I love her!

LIFE- can be hard to understand

2010-04-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here on this rainy Saturday afternoon realizing how much the weather reflects my heart. It feels dark and heavy and every once in a while it begins to cry at times the tears come flooding and some times they spill down the sides of my cheeks slowly. I just received the news yesterday that my sweet baby girl has hypoplastic left heart syndrome. This is a very severe heart defect, but it can be treated. I don't know too much yet, but I do know that God is in control. I know that Ella will need at least three heart surgeries before her 3rd birthday. I know that I am scared. Right now we are just praying for God to completely heal Ella's heart. The lower left chamber in her heart is severely under developed. I have faith that God can heal her heart, I don't know if He will but I intend to ask Him... beg Him, to show us mercy. But no matter if He decides to heal her or not He is no less in control. So right now things aren't so bright... the fear of losing Ella is so terrifying. I love her more than words can express, she is such a big part of my life already. I feel her and talk with her all day long, Jon bought her two little pink outfits just because, she is his baby girl. We always enjoy family time where we talk with her together and watch her move, we laugh together and sometimes we cry together. Our next step is to meet with the pediatric cardiologist and the perinatal specialist and than we will make some more decisions about what to do next. But I know that just like the weather, their will be sunshine again.

LIFE- can be full of blessings!

2010-04-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a big day in Jon and I's life, we found out that we will be adding a sweet baby girl to our family! I am 21 weeks along, and we are beyond thrilled at God's blessing on our lives. We both wanted a girl eventually but we didn't mind having a boy first... but we get our little girl first! So exciting and realistic now knowing that little Ella Dawn will forever be in my life and heart! I have no idea what kind of mother I will be to a little girl but I can't wait to meet her, hold her, talk with her, watch her grow, and some day be friends with her! I have such an awesome role model of what a mother should be... it's just being able to accomplish what my mom was able to in our growing up years. I just can't begin to express the feelings flooding me and giving me chills right now. Life has a way of doing that to me, the crazy dramatic that I am. I always seem to go from one extreme to the other :) I have had some of the worst and best experiences in my life in a matter of a few months. I have never felt so empty physically and at the same time so full of blessings. I know that sounds so contradicting and perhaps it is, they are just my jumbled thoughts that I release here. God is good all the time, he has been faithful from the day that I thought we may never have a baby, to the day when we got pregnant, to the day when we thought we lost the baby, to the day we saw the fighting heartbeat the first time, from the first time I threw up, till the 300th something time to throw up, He was faithful the first trip to the ER, faithful through the second trip to the ER, faithful through the month long hospital stay,He was faithful while we waited to hear the baby's heartbeat the second time, faithful through the long lonely days and nights, faithful through leaving the hospital, faithful when I was able to finally come to our home, faithful when I had to return to the hospital for my final ultrasound. You see we serve a FAITHFUL God full of mercy and love. This journey that I have found myself on has been the biggest stretch in my life, yet God has NEVER left my side even for a moment. He is still faithful, when I throw up, He is still faithful when I have anxiety from everything I have been going through, and He will continue to be faithful no matter what life hands us. God has not always made it easy nor has He always shared my opinion on what is best for me... but He is faithful! Someday I hope to be able to share with Ella how faithful God has been in our lives and in hers since day one. My heart's desire is that one day Ella will truly experience God's faithfulness just as I have been able to.

LIFE- gives you milestones

2010-03-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

So what milestone has life handed me today... I am halfway through this pregnancy, 20 weeks. In so many ways it has gone by ever so slowly but in many ways I can't believe it's already halfway over. I can't begin to express the responsibility I feel now with another life to take care of. It makes you think before you do anything, go anywhere, say anything. It's crazy how it is always in my mind. This baby is such a blessing to us we thank the Lord everyday that He saw us as fit parents for this baby. I am thrilled that He has faith in me and that He knows I can do it. That way when I don't think I can I will know someone who believes in me :) Everyday I seem to be making some improvements, it's kinda like two steps forward one step back... at least I'm moving forward though! When I was in the hospital I couldn't even sit up in a chair for more than 15 minutes, by the time 15 min. was up my heart was pounding so hard and fast that I was out of breath and starting to sweat. It was a work out for me, it's crazy how fast you lose any mussel. Plus laying down since before Christmas I guess my heart wasn't used to pumping my blood uphill. Standing wore me out so fast it was insane. Well now I can sit up most all day and I can stand for about 15 to 20 minutes before I have to sit! I still get out of breath standing but it is for sure getting better. The vomiting has dramatically improved, now it's not everyday, just every once in a while. I'm hoping this will give my poor body a chance to get some strength and weight! The nausea is still bad enough that it hinders my everyday living and regular activities, but that has even improved a little. Now one of the things I have been dealing with the most is headaches... everyday :/ Some are mild some are very severe some last only a little while some last all day and night. I haven't the slightest clue why I'm having them but I hear it's normal to have headaches during pregnancy so it's just one more symptom I am lucky enough to have ;) I had a Dr. appt. today, I have gained 2 and 1/2 lbs. not great but at least I didn't lose any. I am now up to 116 1/2 lbs. still three and a half lbs. lighter than when I got pregnant. The Dr. wasn't too disappointed in me so for that I am grateful. The baby's heart rate is still good and strong. I hopefully will get to find out if we are having a boy or a girl in the next month! I have great friends, I really do! They all care so much about me, it makes me feel loved. I get messages, phone calls, gifts, cards, but most importantly I know they are praying for me. They are the kind of friends that don't just "say" it, they really do pray for me. I just want all of my friends to know I don't take this all for granted I can't imagine doing all this without your support. I thank God regularly for you!

LIFE- brought me someone incredable!

2010-03-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

So what has Jon been up to while all this has been going on you may ask? Well aside from supporting me in all that I'm going through, being there for me 24/7, traveling back and forth to work from wherever I may be, making me breakfast every morning, holding my hair while I get sick, putting medicine on my face and back everyday, and constantly being a strong shoulder to cry on. He has been working very hard! Don't ask me how he can do all that he does and not be super human, but somehow he manages. He has done it again another house on the market in the midst of all this. I have some pics. to make your jaw drop!

The house before Jon touched it

This is the after laundry room

This is the after master bathroom

The after Kitchen... this is way cool in person!

After back and side of house

After master bedroom

Before side bathroom

After a side bathroom

Before living room

After living room looking into kitchen

before...

...after

Yes indeed I married a talented man! You can now pick your jaw up off the floor :)

LIFE- tells you what your made of

2010-03-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

Where to begin... this is such a long story. Most of you know the story already but I'm going to write it all down anyway so one day when this season is over I will be able to look back at the journey the Lord has brought me through. I guess I'll start at the very beginning. Before Jon and I got married, my life was stable yet stressful. Planning a wedding finishing my senior year of high school, moving in to care for an elderly grandparent. All big changes for a 17 year old girl. I thought I could handle all the new things happening I thought I was strong enough but I was wrong. Life was blazing full speed ahead and I was losing myself trying to keep up. I realize now I was going through some big things and I was trying to get through it on my own, I have never felt so alone in all my life. I had so many things going on and so many strained relationships that I began to lose the ability to function the way I always had. I began to get so stressed it started affecting me physically. I was moody and tired and that is when the stomach problems began. I was too stressed to eat... so I didn't. Being too stressed to eat became not wanting to eat, and not wanting to eat became choosing not to eat, and choosing not to eat became a prison cell of not being able to eat. I lost 22 lbs. in a short amount of time going from 130 to 108. I lost so much energy and I was far from healthy. I new it was a problem but I pushed fixing it off to the future never dreaming what pain it would cause me and those I love. So for the past three years I have been fighting with my stomach. Trying to eat and make the right choice but physically not being able to. Ashamed at myself and the choices I had made, yet still from time to time making the same stupid choice. I tried so hard to do it on my own but I was too weak. Slowly I began to confide in some of my friends and family yet still in part denial. I was embarrassed at how I had completely crumbled under the pressure of life. How had I become this person I wandered, how did that happen to me? I know better, I thought I was a stronger person than that. I was broken. I grieved often at the thought of my choices affecting those I loved ( Jon). As a new bride I felt so inadequate to have him. My bad health kept me down a lot of the time. I wasn't able to do all those little things I wanted to do for him, cooking often made me so sick it wasn't an option. More days than not I would feel too sick to do anything or go anywhere. Now looking back I'm broken hearted at all the sacrifices Jon had to make on behalf of me. It's not fair to him and it wasn't fair to me. After I realized this was a problem, still not comfortable admitting to the extent of the severity of the problem I began to try hard to fix it. Jon was encouraging and patient, he always tried to get me food that sounded good to make eating easier. I began making progress and eventually got back up to 120 lbs. I was still only eating about half of what other people eat but I had made big improvements. What I didn't realize was how often I was sick. I was sick at my stomach nearly everyday. Not to extremes mind you, I was able to go about my day for the most part unaffected. Jon and I have discussed kids since the day we started our relationship, we both agreed that I should be healthier before adding a kid into the mix! We both knew how important proper nourishment is for a developing baby. I had some female physical issues that made us question whether or not children would ever be a possibility. So I was torn, I knew it would be wrong to get pregnant while not being able to eat three meals a day, but I didn't want time to run out if I was going to be limited on baby making years. I knew I was young but health issues concerned us that the time window for me may be difficult. But we decided to trust the Lord and His leading. So we began praying that in His time He would show us that the time was right. So we waited and waited until we both felt a peace that the time had come. I was still sick off and on but I was able to eat a lot more than I had been and I assumed I would continue to make progress especially with the baby as motivation. Well I was thrown for a big loop when we found out we were expecting on Dec. 8th and the "morning sickness" hit HARD. It was about 6 days before my missed period and I was already experiencing nausea in the evenings. Well we decided to tell my family on Dec. the 19th at our family Christmas there was much rejoicing. On Dec. the 20th I started having severe cramping and I began bleeding, that was very devastating to us all, I called the on call Dr. who said I was most likely miscarrying so he told me to stay in bed and rest. I went in to get an ultrasound on Dec. 23rd and we got to see our sweet baby's heartbeat. What a HUGE relief that was to us, again very emotional time for us. At that time I was almost 6 weeks. Since than my morning sickness aka all day sickness has been RIDICULOUS I have been stuck in bed vomiting since about Dec. 24th. It started getting so bad that I had to go to the ER and they admitted me, I was there for four days getting re hydrated, but the nausea never subsided. The gave me every medicine you can think of and nothing worked. I was sent home only to began the vomiting all over again I returned to the ER on Dec 31st on my way to the ER I started vomiting and having a reaction to some medication my jaw was locking and my teeth were making cracking sounds. It was so bad it lasted several hours off and on.After the medication was out of my system I was again re hydrated and sent home. On Mon. Jan. 4th the vomiting became violent at a whole new level, I began vomiting about every hour and than having severe dry heaving spells. I began getting very weak, Jon and I were staying at my parents house because my mom was helping care for me. I was so weak I couldn't walk to the bathroom (right across the hall) Jon would have to carry me. We called the Dr. they said to come in so they scheduled me an appointment for four days later, Jon called again and the Dr. wanted me to come in the next morning. I went in at 10:30am on Jan. 8th Jon carried me in to the office I was pale and had dark circles under my eyes( I looked really bad) The nurse took one glance at me and said You need to go to the hospital! When the Dr. arrived for my appointment. He said I had lost 11 lbs and that If I had waited a few more days to come in I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. So he put me directly into Baptist hospital. They sent me to get an ultrasound right away to check on the baby, waiting to hear the heart beat was so hard. But the Lord is good and we got to hear a good STRONG heartbeat (175bpm) The baby measured perfectly. Again a huge sigh of relief and Jon and I thanked the Lord together for the little miracle. I gained 4 lbs. the first day I was there in fluids. Unfortunately the weight began to fall again. I eventually got down to 105 lbs. and I had been on fluids constantly. The Dr. informed me that the baby would not survive at this rate. He told me I was to have a surgical consult and he was going to discuss placing a feeding tube in my neck. It was not something I wanted to go through, but the baby needed nourishment right away, so I agreed to have the consult. I was relieved to hear from the surgeon that they were going to first try to insert the feeding tube through my upper arm it is far less invasive and as long as my veins were suitable there would be no need to insert the tube in my neck. I was so grateful to hear I was a candidate for the arm tube! The procedure was very painful and scary, I had to be awake and it was hard. After they finished it, they had to do an x-ray to make sure it was in place since the tube has to travel up the arm across the chest to the heart. It was critical that the tube emptied in the proper place otherwise it could cause big problems. After the x-ray they found that the tube had not made it to the right place so I got the news that it was going to have to endure yet another procedure. I had quite the amount of tears and anxiety. I survived but it was very hard. I had the tube in my arm for about 3 weeks getting constant nutrients. I didn't eat or drink for about a week because the tube was giving me what the baby and I needed, and the doctor wanted to give my stomach a break. The vomiting did not stop, my stomach was rejecting my own saliva. My doctor said he was lost as to why I was so sick, he said he sees women this sick with pregnancy maybe one in seven years. He discovered that although I did have a very severe case of hyperemises, I was also fighting off anorexia. I instantly became defencive at that accusation, I asked him if he thought I was making myself throw up. He said no, but he thought that my stomach problems that I had before pregnancy was playing a bigger role in all of this than any of us realized. I felt angry to be accused of such a thing, I felt like other people would look at me differently. I wasn't anorexic, I didn't think I was fat and I never made myself throw up. How dare he say that about me. Well it took me some time but eventually I realized he was right, I didn't understand what the disease was exactly but the symptoms fit. I was humbled by the discovery. I was so worried about people finding out and thinking things about me that weren't true. I asked the doctor if he thought I was some crazy person, he said no and in fact anorexia is one of the hardest things to overcome, and is nearly imposable to do without medical help. After accepting the hard truth I was able to start dealing with it on the inside. Now even though I'm far from proud of my past choices I refuse to hide in the shadows of my shame, I am who I am I have without doubt made more than my far share of mistakes, but if someone can learn from my mistakes than who am I to keep my lessons to myself. They could do some good after all. So one of the questions I get so frequently is "so are you going to have any more kids after this" My answer is I have every intention to focus on this baby right now and getting myself in better health. Maybe someday in the future I will be able to have more kids, but I now I may still get sick since I had the hypermesis, but that is the future so I'm not going to worry about it today. During this journey so far I have learned so many things about myself. I have not been able to do hardly anything since before Christmas. It has been scary, emotional, exciting, character building, humbling, painful, depressing, hard, and more than anything it has been an adventure I will never forget. A few things I have realized since all this started are; God is enough, Jon is so much more than I deserve, I am stronger than I thought, Life should not be taken for granted, I hate being in the hospital, prayer is so powerful, friends are crucial, pride isn't worth it, love is strong, and even in my darkest hour I am loved. Loved by God, loved by A truly incredible husband, loved by a supportive family, and loved by dear dear friends. God is good, He has taught me so much and still I am learning. Everyday when I'm heaving into the toilet my eyes watering wandering why after the 200th something time to get sick since Dec. it hasn't gotten any easier. I hear God whisper I am here, I have spent more time praying, talking, begging, pleading, and thanking God for the trials and joys we have been facing everyday on the bathroom floor than I ever did before. I am 17 weeks along and I'm feeling the baby on a regular basis, it makes it seem more worth it some how, even though it doesn't make it easy. I still don't weigh as much as I did before I got pregnant which was under weight, my skin is pale and pasty, I have zits all over in places I never did before. I can't wear make- up much and getting dressed is a luxury. The couch and the bathroom fight for my every waking minute and still Jon tells me everyday that I am beautiful. Sometimes when I think about the countless sacrifices he has made on my behalf I am moved to tears (I blame it on the hormones). Sometimes I have my little pity party's and I think why me? Will this last until Aug.? But in the big picture I am beyond blessed, God has brought me do my knees literally... I am nothing. Yet He has blessed me far more than I could have asked, sure I'm sick. I'm really sick, everyday is a hard battle that I have to struggle to win, sometimes I lose the battle. But I'm getting stronger everyday at least on the inside. I'm learning things about God that I never knew, I'm learning that even though the journey isn't something I would choose to go through God loves me enough to send me through it. He know that the me coming out on the other side will be stronger, healthier, wiser, and a better wife and mother. I know that I have a long way to go before I will feel like me again, the muscles will all have to be rebuilt, the sores will have to heal, the scares will fade, and the nausea will subside it just takes time and hard work. Two things that are hard to do, wait and work. I know it will be worth it to someday to finally be able to be the wife Jon deserves and the wife I long to be. To be able to play with my family and care for there needs. Right now life is kinda low and I struggle staying positive, but all in all I am so excited about my future. God is in control and I know it will be a beautiful finish to this long story.

LIFE- can be an adventure!

2010-03-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

The adventure begins!

LIFE- can hurt

2009-11-09T15:27:00.001-08:00

I can't wait till heaven. Even though life here isn't all bad. Sometimes days or moments or people make me all the more ready for heaven. Sometimes it is so hard to love people that constantly drive you crazy... than again it's at times like this when I realize that God loves me and that's when I am able to find the strength that I thought I lacked and somehow show the unlovable that same grace Christ has bestowed upon me. I choose love and not hate! Making that choice is harder than it sounds sometimes. Bitterness is strong it never ceases to amaze me the way it sneaks in and at time rushes in at a pace that you can't stop it even if you try. Dealing with bitterness is a daily struggle for me. The ache is real and the burden is heavy, but somehow I continue through this life even with the extra weight, fighting... but never winning. Why is it that when it hurts us we still give in to it's demands because we feel to weak to stand strong against it. Letting go of pain seems so simple it seems like we should all be able to just let things go and move on and never let the past or present bother us. You see it's not that we choose to hold on but rather it's a chain with a lock you don't know the combination to, you can't get out because you don't have the formula. Sure there's prayer and books and teachers... but the real answer you have to find inside yourself and sometimes finding it is like the needle in the hay stack, hiding never to be found. So why even fight the battle you may ask. I'll tell you, you keep searching for what seems impossible because if you don't sooner or later it will kill you, slowly and painfully, it will take your joy, your future, your ability to love the way that you should, it will kill your health, and one day it will kill you... your heart will stop beating and the breaths will cease. You see as bad as it seems sometimes it can get worse and fast. Sometimes our lives seem out of control but God is in control even when we make a mess. So this is honesty this is my pain this is my struggle. I hope it's the first step to healing my broken heart. Sometimes the cruelest people in your life make you stronger, and even if they are not welcomed, sometimes they are there to stay and it's at that moment when you feel like you are suffocating from there poison that you have to make the best of the situation. You don't have to like it but you have to "put on your big girl panties and deal with it". Sometimes I wish I was with my heavenly daddy because I know He would hold me, wipe away the tears, and He would tell me how much He loves me. I have been longing for my Jesus in a way that I never have before, it's not that I don't want my life or that I want to leave my family or friends it's just that I want to meet face to face with Jesus I want to talk to Him I want to ask Him what to do, how to act and how to feel. I want a hug from Him, I want to hear Him say " I love you". Well, life goes on, and someday I will have that moment with my Jesus and until that moment I will continue to fight this battle on the front lines everyday wondering how I will live through the constant pain others cause, and just do my best to not let the inside die. It's sick and that's bad enough I need healing and comfort I need strength and I need hope...

LIFE- can be a road trip

2009-10-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile, I keep trying to write and the words don't seem to come. There is so much to catch up on though, so I'll try. Jon and I went on an awesome trip, we left Sept. 13th and didn't get back until Oct. 12th! We had so much fun. We went to the grand canyon, Las Vegas, all along the CA coast, up into Oregon and Washington across Idaho into Montana down through Colorado back home. We went to 13 states on this trip and put over 6,600 miles on our truck! We made so many memories it was the best trip we have ever gone on. We got to spend so much quality time together. I love him so much. So lately God has been walking with me and comforting me in a way that I hoped He'd never have too. Struggling with a personal trial is difficult but I'm so grateful He is there. I really don't have the words to continue, but I'm really ok. I'm happy and moving on it just hurts...

LIFE- can be wow

2009-09-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

Only my baby can do this... In just under three months!!!

Go ahead you can say it... WOW... I know right?!?!

LIFE- can be repetitive

2009-09-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

Well welcome to September we are off to our usual start... already got our first speeding ticket rather Jon got our first ticket yep I'm serious, and we had to buy three new tires for my car, and Jon needs new tires for his truck! Also Jon's truck engine is on it's last leg I'm not trying to be a pessimist I'm just saying I wouldn't be shocked if it decides to go kaput on our trip! Arrrrgg sometimes I hate what September brings, but than I remember all the wonderful things it brings, it brings my birthday, our anniversary, usually a looong vacation, and the wonderful crisp fall air! Too bad it has to be tainted with bad luck :( Seriously ever since Jon and I got married every September we have gotten a ticket or more than one ticket, we have had car trouble, and just plain ole bad luck...it SUCKS! I am trying to stay positive about this month because like I said so many wonderful things happen in September but sometimes it's hard. I have to admit I was not very happy when Jon got a ticket last night, after I had asked him to slow down more than once. The rest of the evening was somewhat "strained" if you will ;) I tried but it was extremely frustrating especially since just a few days back I reminded Jon that it was September and we should be extra careful and drive safe and NOT speed! But I love him so much and I know it could be me next time, so I will try to have patience with him and show kindness so maybe when it's me he will do the same! I guess that's part of marriage working through hard times together besides he has to deal with me a lot more than I have to deal with him soooo I guess it'll be ok. Today started out not so great... very lazy and unproductive, but this evening I got all the house work done and dinner is in the oven so I guess the rest of the day/evening can be salvaged! Oh maybe you could be praying, Jon and I put a house on the market today and we would like it to sell as soon as possible! Well have a good evening and hopefully a better September than us hahahaha!

LIFE- can be refreashing

2009-08-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

For the last two months I haven't been able to sleep, I would go to bed anywhere between 9 and 11 and I would lay there for hours on end restlessly tossing and turning into the night. I would be up anywhere from 1:30 to 4:00 crying, praying, begging to sleep. Well last night I went to bed at 9:30 and I fell asleep by 11:30! Praise the Lord, I don't know why but I am glad I slept all night and I feel refreshed! Last week during my schedule change we learned some things about me and so this week we have tried something a little different and it is working better I think. Now I am getting up early every other morning and on the off mornings not sleeping past 9. It has been working better I think, because last week I wasn't getting sleep and than I had to get up by 8 and work all day only to collapse into bed exhausted and not sleep :( I ended up getting sick that week because I have a very low immune system and the slightest thing can affect it. Not getting sleep is very bad for me... some people need more sleep than others...I'm one of those people ;) I have been much happier this week and I'm still getting up and getting in bed at good times and accomplishing things around the house too! Well I guess that's all for today, I just wanted to Praise my King for a GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP... FINALLY!

LIFE- can be frightening

2009-08-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder... do you get scared? I do and this week has in some ways made me feel less frightened but in some ways I'm terrified. One day I hope I will be a mom, I don't know when that day will come, but I do know that I'm scared for it to arrive. It's strange I've always looked forward to the day when I would be able to have a baby, I mean it's all I ever wanted to be when I was a little girl, but now that I can have a baby, I'm scared. Maybe it's because I think everyone will be waiting on me to fail... I know it's not that I don't want a baby. It's interesting, sometimes I think people can tell your doubts and they tell you what you think is the truth, when really they are lies from satin. This week was all about schedules and priorities, health and habits. It was meant to get me in better shape it was meant to teach me discipline. I did it to start fresh and to accomplish something. All those things were done, but it has to continue and although it was encouraging... even though I thought it would kill me; however, I'm still alive ;) But seriously It scared me I mean, when I'm a mom I won't get a break, I won't get the sleep I "need", it's interesting. How do mom's do it? I mean I know God doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle but wow all I have to say is wow. Thinking of the future and when I become a mom is exciting and overwhelming, I mean maybe it's because I have such an incredible mom that I am intimidated maybe it's because at times I'm insecure about my own ability so others doubt me as well. I don't know but I do think that one day I am going to be a great mom! Some days I will suck at it, and some days I will feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm sure their will be days where I have to put the baby down and walk away days where I am crying right along with them. But what scares me the most is not having the help and support I need.... because when I need it... everyone will think "I knew she couldn't do it" "she was crazy to have a baby" "she is such a wimp" "it's because she's soooo young" These are all LIES and I refuse to listen to them anymore. God is in control and I am an adult Jon and I will continue to pray for GOD'S TIMING on when we start a family. And until that day comes I am going to do my best to serve my king in ways that I may not be able to after we start a family! And when the day comes when we get the wonderful news I hope that I will be more excited to tell people than I would be now. Because if I found out I was pregnant now I wouldn't want to tell anyone, I honestly think people would be disappointed in me. But here's the deal I can't wait to have a baby, I will be able to handle it if God gives us a baby someday, we can afford it we have no debt two cars we own our house I am 21 next month Jon is 25 in two months we have been married two years! I'm not a child anymore! This is to all the people in my life that think I can't do it! I don't want to sound like a brat, that's not it at all... actually I blame myself for all of your feelings toward me. I haven't made it clear and my actions haven't shown my maturity. The truth is I know how big the decision is to have a baby and let me perfectly clear I didn't say I'm going to have one now... I'd just like to know someone would be happy for me if I did. I know it is HARD I know I can never be fully prepared to have a baby ( again proving my point that age doesn't make that much of a difference!) I also realize that it may not be the time for me to become a mom but I am SICK of everyone talking about me and telling me how bad I'll be at it (even if it's "just a joke") It hurts and I just want everyone to know that I appreciate all the concern and advice truly I know it's just that you care, but this is our life and we have to make these choices. Please trust our relationship with the Lord enough or at least trust the Lord enough to know that He won't allow anything to happen that He doesn't want to happen (and to set your mind at ease we aren't being stupid;)) I guess this is on my heart and because I know you all care about me I want you to know how bad it hurts me and how with every "comment" you are tearing me down and who knows maybe with some positive "comments" I may someday be all that you want me to be. Remeber I love you all, truly. Sorry about the rambling it's just time to set my heart FREE!

LIFE- can be knocked off course

2009-08-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

So yes tomorrow is my last day of my first week of scheduling.... and I am doing pretty well. Yesterday I got sick and couldn't do everything I planned on. But I was still able to get up on time and make and eat breakfast, spend quality time in the word, heat up lunch and dinner. Also I got to bed early! Than this morning Jon graciously allowed me to sleep a few extra hours to "recoup" and regain my strength! So this morning I didn't have to make breakfast Jon had a quick bowl of cereal before work. But I have gotten up and dressed, made the bed, cleaned the room, did the dishes, picked up the bathroom, vacuumed the whole house, made a yummy lunch and cleaned up from lunch! So I'd say with a knocked off course I've made my way back nicely! It's only 2:30p so lots of hours in the day left to accomplish lots of things! Many blessings!

LIFE- can be scheduled

2009-08-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

So this week I am trying something new... well not new because I've tried before and failed. But this week I am determined to give it all I have. I am trying out a schedule... scary for me. I have a time to get up, a "bed time" "lunch break" chores and the whole nine yards. I feel like a kid lol but if this is what it takes to build discipline than so be it. I am going to be going to the gym regularly as well so I am hoping that will make me feel healthier! We shall see but I have got to get it together I hate not knowing what is next and as hard as this will be to force myself to get up when I don't sleep the night before or in fact haven't slept all night for the last month and a half... I have to do it. I did this morning, it was hard and I didn't want to, but I'm glad I did and with each small choice I am closer to being the woman I want to be and more importantly the woman God made me to be! So far on this Monday morning I have gotten up on time, done the laundry, gone on a walk with my hubby, made breakfast and ate it, showered and gotten dressed for the day, spent an awesome hour in the word and in my bible study, wrote in my journal, prepared lunch and in thirty minutes will be serving it to my husband. I'm sleepy, my stomach hurts and this week is going to be HARD but somehow... I am happy, I am standing tall and keeping my shoulders back, I'm proud of what God is helping me do and I'm excited in what the results will be.

LIFE- can be adventurous

2009-08-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

Yes I have tried something new! I made a cake, I made butter cream frosting, I made fondant frosting, and I decorated my first cake! It was so much fun. It's not perfect, but it's not bad for a first try! Enjoy the pics.!

LIFE- is looking up!

2009-08-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

Funny how this roller coaster continues to roll even if you are motion sick or even if you want it to end, but the good thing about this roller coaster is that it goes UP and down so just every once in a while life is amazing! So in the last month God has been tying up lots of loose ends! We had so many things all going wrong and causing stress at once... but I am sooo happy to report the good thing about having so many things go bad is when soooo many things get better! Jon and I sold the house that we have had on the market for over a year, Jon will have the next house on the market next month, he has really been working hard on it! Because we sold the house our financial strain has lessened big time (not gone of course but better!) my health and my soul both are getting better! Jon and I are really enjoying being together and we are learning so much how to support each other! This last weekend we went away just us two no work no phones no computers nothing but me and my man... it was so great to get away! I feel refreshed and encouraged and so blessed by what the Lord has given us.

LIFE- isn't what I expected

2009-07-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

Well once again I am reminded that God's ways are not my ways. Now if I can only remember His ways are better :) Plans are an interesting thing... don't you think? How many times do we make plans only to have what we planed fail. But we can't not make plans, I think making them is a very good thing. I think the key is being flexible to God's plans and instead of freaking out when something goes wrong we should stop and think, is God taking me a different direction? Hmmmm interesting not sure how easy that is to do :) Sometimes God's plans aren't just where you are going to live or what job you should have or what church you should attend, what school you're going to go to, sometimes His plans are hurtful and hard to understand in fact imposable to understand. Sometimes I don't see any good at all, but that is where trusting comes in handy I guess... and remembering that He is way ahead of me. In the bible it tells us that God will never give us more than we can handle sometimes when I am discouraged and hurting I feel like He has let me down and that I can't handle even one more bad day. Yet here I am even when I feel like I can't handle anymore somehow the air keeps entering my lungs and my heart continues to beat, even if with every breath and every beat falls a fresh tear. Do you ever feel like your heart is literally breaking? Sometimes God gives us a path that we don't want and sometimes the journey we have to take is more than we think we are capable of taking. Sometimes leaning on God is harder than it sounds. Knowing what you are supposed to do and having the strength to do it are so incredibly far from each other and at times the journey from knowing to doing can do you in. I have spent so many hours crying out to God asking why? Begging to have it all go away. But it's when you are in the fetal position shaking with sobs and you have hot tears streaming from your already swollen eyes that God whispers hang in there my child the mountain top may seem impossibly far but TRUST Me. When you are holding yourself rocking back and forth wondering how will I go on today He is there.When you are in that hopeless place when the pain you feel inside your heart makes you feel numb when the tears run dry when you can't speak in that desperate place God speaks. God is here for me but learning to let Him carry me is something that I have yet to learn.

LIFE- can be restored

2009-07-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about God's love for us and what it means. I was thinking about all that His love entails. I was realizing what an amazing loving and forgiving God He is, and I came up with a great analogy! It's like when Jon and I buy a house that is abandoned and condemned, dirty and falling apart, some may say worthless and a lost cause. We buy it, fix it up, secure the foundation, make it beautiful inside and out, bring it value, and in a sense... we make it new. It is a long difficult process with lots of obstacles and trials, but we don't give up on it. Isn't that just like us and our Heavenly Father, He finds us abandoned and condemned, dirty and falling apart, He finds us worthless but He never thinks we are a lost cause. He receives us and "fixes" us, He IS our secure foundation, He makes us beautiful and He makes us truly valuable, but most importantly He makes us new! Wow I don't like to think of myself as an old broken down house but aren't you glad we have an almighty God who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty!?! I recently did a Bible study on the book of Hosea and we studied the relationship of Hosea and Gomer, wow talk about love! It is also like a mirror of God's love for us. After doing the study I read the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers it is a Fiction book telling the story of Hosea and His life, it is really eye opening to realize how unworthy we are of the effort God is so gracious to give us. It is so humbling to be a child of a King but to truly look at where He found you and where He has taken you... wow. How many times have we just blown Him off as if He isn't the maker of the foundation we stand on, as if He hasn't saved us from burning forever in Hell, as if He isn't the one who sent His son to die... TO DIE, don't just read that like you normally do read it again until you realize truly realize what He has sacrificed for that old broken down worthless house. He makes it whole, He gives us worth, He makes us a home, and...He deserves our service and our praise forevermore!

LIFE- can have heros

2009-07-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

Well my hero is the hardest working, most loving man EVER... yup it's my husband! I am just bubbleing over with good feelings for him and so rather than gross everyone out on facebook with constant mushy updates I thought I would unload my happiness here! My baby is working as I am typing this, it is ten min. after 9:00pm, the remarkable part is that he got up at 6:30am the last several mornings so he can work before it gets too hot but he ends up working right through the heat just the same. He is amazing sure there are days I feel like giving him a piece of my mind and sometimes he drives me crazy, but even then I love him. He is the perfect husband well ok no one is perfect, but honestly I have never met anyone this close ;) He is gentle and kind, thoughtful and romantic, hard working and dedicated, he is manly and strong, loving and soft, he is a listener and an advice giver, he is faithful and a friend, he is talented and creative,he is handsome and sexy, he is the man I love. I thank God for him on a regular basis, I asked God over 4 years ago if I could please have him. And now it has been almost two years since I became Mrs. Jonathan Burk! I am so blessed to have such an amazing man. He is going to make the most amazing dad some day and if I do say so myself a great grandpa too! I love him and I couldn't ask for anyone better!

LIFE- is good and hard!

2009-06-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well Life is going rather smoothly although their is some inner turmoil and I'm not sure why? I have really had a heavy heart for those hurting around me. I know you aren't supposed to carry others burdens you are supposed to let God, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with being sympathetic and hurting with those that are hurting. But where is the line drawn? At what point does caring turn to carrying? This has just been on my mind lately, and it's been requiring lots of thinking. But for a report of the Burk household all is well, we are really in a good/bad place. We have a house that might be selling but it could fall through, so if it sells we are in a GREAT place and a HUGE burden will have been lifted, if it falls through we are in a VERY BAD place (fingers crossed)and(praying HARD) There is no in between unfortunately. Jon is working hard on another house we bought a while back, it is really coming along!!! Jon is so talented *sigh* I love him :) Anyway no other news really, I am going to have a Dr. appt. on July 7th and I am sooooo ready to go and get it over with, but I am so glad the Lord has provided us with such an opportunity and that he was able to get us the Dr. we wanted even though we shouldn't have been able to have him! I am making lots of new friends and I am grateful for that, so far since I have moved to Shawnee it has been hard not having friends near by and I am so glad that Jon and I am making some! God is good and I am so blessed! Have a great day it's important to make each day count!

LIFE- can make us grateful for God's promises

2009-06-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

" God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1
" I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart ! I have overcome the world ! " John 16:33
" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28

" He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak " Isaiah 40:29
" Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine" Isaiah 43:1

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Heb.11:1

"We live by faith, not by sight" 2 Cor. 5:7

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be moved, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed." Isaiah 54:10

" I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8
" I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them, I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

" I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy maybe complete" John 15:11
"...but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22

" Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
" And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7

"The Lord will keep you from all harm--he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121:7, 8
" When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames willnot set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1,2
"But whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm" Proverbs 1:33

" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5,6

LIFE- can be change

2009-06-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Change... it is inevitable it will always be yet it is always new. Some people like change others don't. I think there is probably several reasons why someone would or wouldn't like it. Sometimes change brings pain sometimes it brings joy, sometimes it brings both. Sometimes it is simply the fear of the unknown the getting out of our "box" that is the hard part. I have been learning about LIVING my life not just living it. Sometimes we hold on so tight to the way things are and refuse to let go to the new way of things and we miss out on so much. We miss the present and the future by trying to hold on to the past. Just so we can be comfortable. How sad, God wants His children to LIVE a FULL life and sometimes that means change. Sometimes we don't understand God's plan and we think it's not fair. But He is taking care of us. I love it when my "plan" seems to line up with God's, it makes me feel like He is blessing me and caring for me... when in fact that is true BUT it is JUST as true when our "plans" don't match. You see God's love for us is COMPLETELY not affected by what we do at all! He is happy when we follow His plan and worship Him. But His love is ours no matter what. Not to say that we are saved no matter what we do, that's not what I'm saying His love isn't what saves you. But because He loves so unconditionally and completely we can rest knowing that whatever change comes our way He has our best interest at heart.

LIFE - can be full of thoughts

2009-06-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

I laugh uncontrollably...and sometimes I break chairs ^

I love our new stereo

I miss my friends

Jon is so talented

I feel like dancing

I'm hungry

I have an AMAZING family

I like talking to my sisters and my mom

It's hard making new friends and I stink at it

I miss my Wed. morning bible study

I want to go on a vacation... soooo bad

I don't like school

life is hard...and so unfair (than again it's unfair for everyone... so does that make it fair?)

I really want a baby... someday

I am learning life lessons

I miss granny

my ring is beautiful... I like to look at it :)

I haven't seen Rachael in a long time, we need a singing session :(

next week is really busy

I wish money grew on trees

I love my car... even though it can be difficult

you probably stopped reading a long time ago ;)

I am dying to travel

I want to see Lauren's wedding pics.

I hope for the best

I don't understand

Life is hard and emotional but somehow I am finding a joy in it and so I'm going to thank the Lord for His Grace and His Love and pray for His Mercy when it gets to be too much.

LIFE- can be a blessing

2009-06-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

Mother of the Bride

Family Anchor
Best Friend and hero to three women

Care Giver

Story Teller

play mate

Cheer leader

Daughter

Teacher

Big Sister

Granddaughter

prayer warrior

granddaughter, daughter, mother and Nana

mother of the bride...again

The Beloved "Aunt Kelli"

Mother of the bride...yet again

hero to three little girls

devoted wife

awesome Nana

creative

loving

simply beautiful inside and out

What do all these words have in common, they all describe my beloved mother, she is all these things and so much more. She is a hostess a niece, a cousin, a nurse, a cook, Wife of 25 years, mother of three and Nana of four. She is the sunshine on a cloudy day she is the roof over your head in a storm and she is the best friend that you can always count on, she is my mother and my hero! Anyone that has ever met my mother has been blessed in some way or another by her, she is gentle and kind, selfless and patient, I love you so much mama you are so amazing you will have an abundance of jewels in heaven you are truly a unique person and I am honored to call you my mom!

LIFE- can be creative

2009-05-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

the most awesome deep freeze ever!

our "home" sign

my poor fat lip :(

my new highlights!

Hello all, well my life has been pretty good for the most part (yipee) I got my hair highlighted, that always makes me feel good! Anyway my friend Lauren is getting married on Sat. and I am so excited for her!!!! She has waited a long time. Although I have a really yucky canker sore that is making me have a fat lip. I really hope it goes down before the wedding! Jon and I helped her and Britt move their stuff into there apartment and they had a fireplace (lucky) but they didn't have a mantel so yesterday Jon had the day off work so he and I got up and started to do DIY projects! Those are the best! So Jon built a mantel and we painted it, I can't wait to show them I think they will really like it... I hope anyway!!! While he was working on that I started working on a sign to hang in our house that says "home" we got it really cheap because it needed a paint job, so I sanded it down and then re painted it, it looks great and Jon hung it in our Kitchen! Sure all this was fun, but our big "creative" project was our deep freeze! Several months ago my grandma and papa Tuter gave us an old deep freeze that they had for years, it still worked so they asked me if I wanted it, well we decided to take it and it was white, but it was really rusty on the outside, I didn't take a pic. although I wish I would have, but it was really rusty so just take my word for it ok :) Well we painted it and it is AWESOME! We painted it black and a blueish green color!!!!! We had a BLAST making stencils out of old Tupperware lids and working together to create something unique! I love that my husband can have fun with me and I'm glad we have the same taste in style... well for the most part anyway ;). I am so grateful for all my hubby has done for me lately, he has been using his God given talents to bless those around him and when he helps my friends he makes me feel loved. He is a really good man, and I am a truly blessed woman.

LIFE- can fly by

2009-05-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well 20 months, we have made it 20 months!!!! Yup you guessed today is Jon and I's 20th month wedding anniversary! Wow I love that man! He is so wonderful to me. This has not been an easy journey that's for sure. Our journey together has been without doubt one of the most difficult seasons in my life. We have had people trying to constantly come between us, we have had medical difficulties, financial struggles, emotional struggles, and on top of that just the regular stuff newly weds have to get use to. Like living with someone who has completely different habits and traits. Also the time we have spent together has completely forced me to see many faults in me, that's never exactly fun. The struggles started almost immediately after Jon and I started our relationship. It was miserable so many people pushing and confronting so many rules and everyone is watching and judging you are never able to relax and have fun just to enjoy being with the one you love. When Jon talked to Dad I was only 17 just going into my senior year of high school, me and mom and dad had just moved in with my granny to give 24 hr. care. The first time I ever had moved and that was hard for me, and I was actually on a three week trip to Arusha Tanzania Africa when he asked if he could marry me. My life was anything but stable. I lived in the living room of my great grandma's house with no privacy for several months. Life was crazy but good. I was struggling emotionally some all the changes and being pushed to the background seemed like it was the worst thing ever lol. After I returned from Africa and Jon and I started dating it was ok, until we told everyone else about it, they were all happy for us...so they said but everyone under the sun had to say something. Getting married is one of the most stressful times if not the most stressful time for a woman. Jon proposed to me about a month later and than a year later almost to the day Jon and I got married. That year was TORTURE people can be really really mean and judgmental, and planning a wedding and finishing your senior year of school without much help really sucks. I remember so many times crying myself to sleep thinking this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life....this is supposed to be my prince charming fairytale. I couldn't understand how some people could be so selfish and rude. I have never had more hurtful things said to me or about me in my entire life. I was betrayed by people I thought loved me and I was yelled at, cussed at, called awful names and I was...alone. What did I do to get all of these reactions you may ask.... well when I find out I'll tell you. Some of the problem was a BIG misunderstanding and that was most of it. But through it all Jon and I just thought it would be different once we were married. We really didn't argue that much only here and there about beliefs or opinions but we always worked it out pretty well, in fact we were both kinda proud of our communication skills. But the stress began to hang over us and I told Jon through tears that he was an amazing man and that I loved him dearly but I felt like I couldn't marry him because all the stress and drama was too much and people were happier if we weren't together. He and I cried together and we prayed often obviously we decided to get married despite all the other people that weren't happy about it, because we knew that it was God's plan. Well it still was FAR from easy, I lost twenty lbs. in about a month and started having severe stomach problems, emotionally I was shot, everyday was a struggle and full of tears and sadness, my only joy was the dream of finally overcoming and marrying the man I loved. Well the wedding day came, unfortunately not laking in drama, and we were married, Mr. and Mrs. forever! Ahhhh big sigh of relief. We had heard that the first year of marriage would be the hardest, well our first year went surprisingly well, we thought. We expected the worst and surprisingly we got along really well. People still insisted on causing drama and my stomach reminded me every minute of everyday of the past with it's pain, but we still made some good memories. Going into our second year we started having more difficulties, and it was quite the struggle. But I can honestly say that the last two months Jon and I have come to a new level in our relationship, he is learning how to show my that he loves me and that I am more important to him than anyone or anything else, and I am learning to show him the honer and love he longs for and deserves. We are having the best time EVER! My stomach is still in pain but I am now on some daily medication that is making a huge difference and since I am not in pain all the time anymore I am not as irritable :). Jon has been so patient and observant lately I feel like even if everything around us is drama and even if some of the people in our lives always try to interfere I can find rest and peace in Jon's love and under his protection. And more importantly under God's blessing! I used to feel like Jon and I were just two people in a crowd of craziness, but now it's like there is craziness all around us but there is a perfect bubble circling us and God is protecting our relationship. I love Jon more than I thought possible my admiration and respect for him has grown so much, I want to literally set at his feet because he is my hero. Baby I love you and I want to thank you for walking through the valley with me, I am loving this mountain top with you and it was very worth the horrible climb. I hope that this is only the beginning I can't even imagine it getting better between us, but I can't wait to try! You are my love, my hero, my friend.

LIFE- can be lots of fun with your best friend!

2009-05-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

Jon and I have been having soooo much fun together, and just to brag a little we have not had any fights in 32 days and counting!!!! We only had one little tiff which was worked out right away! It is so refreshing and honestly we can't take the credit... It is all our amazing God! He has been teaching me how much he loves me and how he loves me, I've been realizing His love for me is unconditional and has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with my actions towards Him. So I have been trying to love Jon the way the God loves me, and I am so excited with the results! when you love someone for who they are not what they do or say it is soo much better, and it has a great affect. Jon has been feeling so loved and honored by me He in return has had a greater desire to protect me and love me. It's a great "circle" to be in :)! I think it was somewhat hard before for me just because I didn't understand I mean really understand and I wasn't able to see the love God has for me. Wow God is so amazing! Jon and I haven't had it easy that's for sure, this isn't a pity party I just mean we have had several obstacles that most new young couples don't have to deal with. It's hard to not dwell on all the bad circumstances and it's kinda like a big black storm cloud blocking the sunshine. Well that storm cloud is still very much there, but I am learning to have faith that the sunshine is too I just can't see it right now. I think in a place where things don't seem to be like you would like them to be and you can't control the situations, God's love is more meaningful and His blessings are more amazing. That is my prayer for my life in this stage, even though it doesn't seem fair sometimes, and even though I have to suffer physically and mentally that I will always look for God's love, His blessings, and the ways that He does provide. I am so grateful that he has given me such a wonderful husband to love and serve, he is such a blessing to me. I realize to some of you 32 days without a fight may seem really pathetic but Jon and I have come so far, we have learned how to show each other unconditional love, and we are learning to serve each other first , and to not let satin, circumstances or any other people come between us and I am so ecstatic because that is sooooo much harder than it sounds. And if we can grow closer together instead of further apart during trials, than I am confident that with Christ leading us we will be together forever always falling more and more in love. I hope you enjoyed the pics., these are just some random shots of some of our favorite places down town okc. P.S. you have to ignore the fact that the only make-up on my face is left over smudged eye liner lol! But who cares we had a BLAST!

LIFE- can be not fun and rewarding at the same time

2009-04-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

So I finished my first project in school!!! Yipee. So glad to have it behind me, I am hoping the next 5 will be easier now that I know how it all works. Anyway I thought I would let you all know and post a few more pics. of the design stuff I've been doing lately. Have a great and blessed day!

LIFE- can be busy

2009-04-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

So much has been going on lately! We have been working on getting our back yard cleaned up...finally :) what, we only been here a little over a year and a half lol. Well none the less it's getting done, I can't take credit for that though that's been Jon's project, but he did let me "help" him drive the backhoe the other day! Way fun by the way!!! I felt so powerful, that's the way I like it ;). School is going ok I am having a hard time staying motivated since there really isn't any deadlines, but I don't want to drag it out so I really have to keep on keeping on. Jon and I have really been having a great time spending time together and a lot of things have been settling down for us praise the Lord! We are still trying to get approved for insurance and if we are approved we will be able to go see a Doctor in June or July (hopefully June) Not sure if we will be able to get the Doctor we want yet, but we are just praying that the Lord will lead us to the doctor that is best for us! Also we are getting YMCA passes, I'm super excited about that! Gotta get in shape I have really let myself go :( I just don't get out and move anymore. But hopefully since Jon and I will both have passes maybe we can just keep each other moving! Oh and I am so proud of myself, I finally bought curtains for our room! I found quite the bargain, it ended up being less than $20 a window for the curtains and rods! But the best part is that I hung the curtains and rods all - by - MYSELF!! I just had to brag, I know it sounds really wimpy but it was a first for me and normally when I do DIY projects they always fail, so it was really quite the accomplishment! I have really been seeing the benefit in laughing and singing lately, I put on music often in my house, I have missed it and I didn't even realize the effect it has on me. I love to laugh and have a good time, and since I don't ever see Rachael anymore I don't laugh that often soooo since I married a relatively dry humored husband :D (love him) I realized since he didn't laugh I didn't, it's no fun to laugh alone besides have of the funny part is the other person laughing uncontrollably. So I have started laughing again regardless that I may be the only one laughing at the story I am trying to tell through gasps for breath lol! Jon is learning to laugh even if it's just to humor me (I think I'm rubbing off on him but I don't think he'd admit that ;) !! ) Anyway I am doing really well lately some of my circumstances have changed but mostly I am learning how to only please God and not let pleasing others control me. Sure I don't go out and make people mad on purpose and I still try to respect other peoples standards, but it doesn't control me. All growing up we had a freezer in our kitchen and on the handle it said "put God first" I just thought of that..wow random flashback... but I guess that is kinda my new motto "put God first" !!! Well have a good day and until next time remember to shine in 2009.

LIFE- can be great when you have someone that loves you!

2009-04-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone... so it's been awhile. I think I have been thinking a lot and haven't been writing basically because if I had been writing all my thoughts you would feel like you kept reading the same thing over and over again. Well the last 6 weeks I have really been focusing on my goal of "shining in 2009" and I have really discovered quite a bit about myself and life in general. The people in it, the road we are all on, the past and the future, what people think of me, how I am going to face the next minute, day, week, month, and year, it makes you think and then when all is laid out and you sit up in the air and look down at it, all at once it forces you to see what you are made of and it forces you to see what is truly important, and it makes you grieve for those people trapped by their own choices, trapped in a judgemental spirit it's sad really sad. I am so ready to be free from all the trials in my life but you know as long as I live on this earth it won't ever end some things will be better and other things will be worse but it doesn't matter because one of these days it WILL all end praise be to the almighty father! He will take me home and He will say well done good and faithful servant. No matter what the other people do to me or say to me all that matters is that I am focused on serving my holy father with a pure heart and that I remember that he loves me for who I am and he wants me no matter what! I don't need others approval just his...isn't that GREAT news?! I think so it is so much easier trying to serve someone who will love you and help you when you fall instead of telling you you are no good and letting you cry wounded and alone. He loves me... wow I don't deserve it but I guess that's the best part, I don't have to! It doesn't change his feelings towards me at all! He loves me for who I am and making him proud and showing him how much he is loved is my dream and it is what I will strive for, for the rest of my life!

LIFE- can be progress

2009-03-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

Well March 16 crazy how fast this year is flying by! I am happy to report progress is being made and I am feeling a glimmer of hope, although at times it is tainted by the bitter taste of fear and failure, I will not give up even though I may fail once again! I have been taking even more steps to shine this year I knew this would be a hard journey, but no one could have prepared me for the hurtles I have had to jump the mountains I have had to climb and the pits I have fallen into, in fact the hardest part is realizing all the work thus far is only a small step in the big picture, kinda overwhelming, I guess I shouldn't look at it that way because I guarantee you, that looking down the mountain I have already climbed it has been quite the hike, and a huge accomplishment! So I have an amazing story to brag on my Jesus about! The other day I left my bible study I have been going to on Wed. mornings as I got into my car I began to cry I felt so sad and lonely realizing once again how many times I have failed and I was angry at my circumstances that I have found myself in. I wanted so badly to have someone to hug to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok and that they were there for me, but I was all alone and I didn't even know where Jon was working so finding him to get a hug was imposable and I was in a state where talking was nearly imposable. I tried so hard to be "good" and I got onto myself for not leaning on God and only trying to come up with friends or family to talk to. I knew as a christian God has to be all that we need and He should meet all our needs, but I have to admit I was angry and I thought how can God meet my needs when He can't give me a hug and that is all I need right now! As I turned onto my street there it was, Jon's truck siting in the driveway for no reason, no explanation as to why he was home in the middle of the day, I started crying and I realized just how much God loves me, and I heard Him whisper I can give you a hug and when I give it and you don't search for it, it is all that you need! I haven't felt the Lord's love for me like that in quite some time! I felt awful for getting angry at Him and I realized I had been begging for His help all along yet not expecting Him to help me, I was feeling like I didn't deserve His love and His help. But when I just got real with myself and God I realized He can take it and He moved in me like He hasn't been able to do with my doubt in the way! Isn't my Jesus amazing, His love is so unfathomable to my negative human mind! One of the ways I am making efforts to improve myself this year is my recent enrollment in the Sheffield interior design program, I will be corresponding I briefly mentioned it in a previous post, I am so excited to get started and a little scared I hope I can do it! Well my first unit finally came and Jon took some pics. to capture the start of my collage journey! Here we go and world watch out here we come!

LIFE- can be explained...sometimes

2009-03-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

Well for my few readers that don't see me very often you should know that I am going through some hard times for sure, but when you read my posts it is when I am down real low so it may seem to you that I am like that all the time. Well I'm not *ahem* (Beth ;) ) Anyway thought I would clarify so that you aren't too concerned. I have to say though my posts will continue to be what they have to be to get me through what ever struggle I am overcoming that day. I hope you all understand this blog is what I need right know to make it through, I appreciate your prayers, and I understand my blog may be a bit depressing some times, so don't feel like you have to read it or try to fix me... it's just my "out" right now, my way of...going on. I do appreciate you all though, so if my blog doesn't pull you down please continue to read and pray for me!

LIFE- Can be continued striving and being grateful for the scars

2009-03-03T10:23:00.000-08:00

Well as you saw in my last post, I am very honest on here just being me. I guess this year will be full of honest "real" posts. Because on this journey of shining in 2009 there are going to be so many failures, disappointments, hopefully victories, and lots of stories. So continuing on in my striving to succeed this year I took a big leap I enrolled in an online school biased out of New York City majoring in interior designing! I am super excited and a little nervous. It will take me about a year to complete give or take a few months, they give you up to three years to complete the course but it usually only takes about a year or so. It was kinda expensive but I hope it is going to be well worth it! Hopefully I will be able to make some money with the skills I learn and pay for it in time! Even though this is an area I have been interested in for a long time taking the official step and doing it was really hard and scary so I guess you could say I conquered a fear!!! Hey hey hey maybe I am getting somewhere lol! Yeah not so sure about that but at least I am still trying. Wow I can't believe it is already March, it flew by. I guess I better really get my act together so that I can be well on my way to the new me by the end of the year. I guess I had hoped that the hardest part of my journey might not still be choking me by March, but I do know better than to expect twenty years of messing up and falling to be all better in three months. But hey a girl can dream right?! You know I mentioned healing, yes healing is what I long for, but I hope I never lose my scars, because that way I'll never forget what the Lord did for me! The scars of my fears and anxiety, the scars of the emotional pain others caused, the scars of the emotional pain I caused, the stains the tears will leave on my cheeks the tears that fall so freely everyday. I'll tell you why I don't want to ever forget, it's because without all of these wounds, I would not have had to fought for my freedom and without the sacrifice I would not have been nearly as grateful for being able to spread my wings and fly! All this time I have just wished that I could have been born with the easier road but you know I may have deeper hurt and harder battles and bigger fears, but I will have higher joy, easier love, and smaller troubles! Because the battle will only make me stronger and prepare me for the rest of my life! I'm not expecting rainbows and butterflies the rest of my life, but I know with all this experience under my belt I'm bound to be better equipped for the curves life will throw at me and be more grateful for the blessings and the sunshine! Thank you Lord for what You are going to do in my life!

LIFE- is a roller coaster

2009-02-27T09:56:00.000-08:00

Life is so much like a roller coaster, well mine is anyway. Up one day down the next happy than sad, active than depressed, ready, scared, healthy, sick, optimistic, pessimist, loving, hateful, patient, angry, hopeful, disappointed, determined, defeated, laughing, crying, etc. Wow that makes me tired just to read unfortunately it is true. You are probably thinking poor Jon lol. Well I do feel sorry for him but living it is no walk in the park either! You know I hate it when people are all "oh it's a choice" people have no idea what it can be like, I mean sure I'm not the only one in the world who has it tough, but really people, stop telling people it's a choice when you have no idea what your talking about! I have only met two kinds of people in my life the ones that are convinced that since when they have a bad day they "choose" to make it happy and it is, and the people that are always down and struggling and still trying to tell people how to be better. Well the first of these two people have no idea what they are talking about, yes so much of life and perception of life is biased on your thoughts, but it is soooooooooo much more than that. The thought process part is about 10% of the problem so it does help but you can barley even notice because the other 90% still is more than anyone can bare! The second type of person I have described here is the type like me who lives a roller coaster life, and for some reason they think that gives them the right to give "advice" on how to have a better life, puuhhhleasee live by example if you have all the answers just do it yourself! Now the reason I have defined these two types of people is because I think it's sad that I have never met the person who has walked through the "roller coaster" and learned to live the life of the "steady" I know that sounds like a pessimist perspective, but it's true I've never seen someone change. So sometimes it is hard to find strength to go one... why try when no one I have ever met, seen, or heard of , has ever been able to do it. I'll tell you why because I don't care if I never make it accepting that this is the way the rest of my life will be is wayyyyy to much for me to deal with. That is why this year in 2009 it is my goal to prove to myself that maybe just maybe it can be done the big switcheroo from one life to another. Can it be done maybe not, but accepting that is not an option for me! Honestly sometimes being me completely sucks, do you have any idea what it feels like to constantly feel like you aren't good enough that your not normal and having people constantly try to "fix" you when no one understands except for the people who are in the same boat and if they can't make it better why could you. Sometimes it just feels like there is a line in life normal people on one side and losers on the other, the under achieving, emotional type, underneath everyone is trying to get out crying and hating this place trapped and hurt, angry and lost. We try and try but no one can get out...so eventually it is just known it isn't passable it can't happen why tire yourself out on the imposable? I'll tell you why because I can't stop even though It's like attempting the imposable quiting isn't an option. It can be extremely exhausting fighting a constant battle and never winning even a small part! So next time you "normal" people think we "roller coaster" people are just weak unmotivated people... STOP and realize that at least some of us are working our butts off trying harder than anyone has ever tried to do anything and if you ask me that is far from weak!

LIFE- put me in a blessed place

2009-02-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

I am a very blessed girl, I have the most amazing parents in the whole entire world! I was having a hard day in this "storm" season in my life and trying not to let it get me down, so I called the person who always seems to "get it" my daddy! He asked why I was calling and didn't quit asking until the "real" reason came out. He knows me he knows my thought processes, my reactions, my tendencies and he knows how to make me feel like he understands my pain. My mom is the BEST too, she will always be my best friend, she is the rock in our family and even though she is small she is the biggest person I know, my respect for her is higher than the highest mountain. So yesterday I got in my car and went "home" to my mommy and daddy and it was just us three just like old times it was so wonderful to have their attention *grins* I like it that way...what can I say I'm the baby : ). When I drove away I felt empowerment, stronger, better...I felt hope! And I realized again for the 100,000,000,000,000,000th time that I have the best momma and daddy in the whole world! They always have time for...me, high maintenance, emotional, dramatic,... me. I can only hope that one day I will have a daughter that can say so many genuine things about me, I have truly been blessed without deserving it. I am definitely the hardest, uniquest, most time consuming daughter of the three yet they don't ever write me off as a "lost cause" they always believe in me even when I don't. Wow I have tears in my eyes as I think back over all the late night talks with momma and all the long walks with daddy, my how time flies, but I still need them just as much as I did when I was there little girl walking hand in hand anxious to do everything "my way" and frustrated at things I thought were the "end of the world". They are amazing parents I couldn't have asked for anyone better and I love them both dearly with my whole heart! Thank you momma and daddy you are both my hero's!

LIFE- can be lovely

2009-02-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

Lovely yes lovely, well Valentine's Day was just great! When I woke up there was a beautiful single pink rose on my dresser with rose pedals spread around the base of the vase, than when I got up, on the Kitchen table was a beautiful bouquet of pink roses and a card. Jon and I had a candle lit breakfast and then he told me that he had reserved the hotel room where we stayed on our wedding night! He is so thoughtful! Anyway so I scurried around squealing with excitement and I got all packed! We headed to the city and we saw the movie taken (I really liked it!) Than we checked in our hotel and decided to go swimming we had never gone swimming together before other than the hot springs in CO. which is just a three foot hot tub but it's big, anyway we were thrilled to have the whole pool to our selves...for a while anyway... than we went back to the room where I got to relax in the jacuzzi and than we just hung out and watched a little t.v. than we got really dressed up (forgot the camera to take a pic. of us dressed up together :( oh well) and went to have dinner at Zios down town! It was great as always! I had a brick oven pizza with sun dried tomatoes, bacon, and fresh spinage! Jon had spaghetti, lasagna, and chicken ( a sample plate...he's not a pig lol) Than we shared an Oreo mountain dessert yummmm! Anyway than we went back to the hotel! It was great to just relax and get away, and have Jon all to myself!!!!! It felt like a vacation and it was a nice start to a new week!

LIFE- can be convicting but it makes you stronger

2009-02-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

So just yesterday Jon and I were discussing something he wanted to invest in, I didn't think it was a good idea...he thought it was a great idea. He asked me to just trust him, and I said well I can't because what if it doesn't work out. Where does that leave us...well he makes the money but I said "no". I at least wanted some time to think it over, besides I was on my way out to go to my bible study (ironic huh!) Anyway when I got there guess what we were studying, yup respecting your husband and trusting him...ya that pretty much made me feel like a bad wife lol, so when I got home I told him that I should trust him because he never gives me reason not too, and we did have a little extra cash at the time so if he would promise not to take advantage of my venerability that I would work extra hard at just trusting him. I think it really meant a lot to him, sometimes it's hard to tell he and I show emotions very differently. But needless to say I think God will bless our marriage even more if I continue to try to be the wife He wants me to be. So I guess the point of this post is that there is always something new to work on but if you never give up and you keep trying every time you fall than even though your not perfect you can be proud of yourself, because being perfect would be a heck of a lot easier than getting up every time you fall! Don't forget to shine in 2009 it's as good a time as any!

LIFE- can be a bargain!

2009-02-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

everything in this pic. I payed $3 each, I saved about $100 and spent $24

the gold vase was $20 I payed $0.49 !!!! For real!

Jon's two sweaters I payed about $20 for but that's not too bad considering originally they were like $40 a piece!

Jon's brown coat was $80 I paid $2.49

These last two coats were $60 a piece I paid $2.49 a piece!

Well I have found some real bargains lately and I thought I would copy my sister and post some pics. of my great finds! I have about $450 worth of stuff for under $100!!! Yeah Obviously this isn't everything, some of the things I bought were gifts, but I found some pretty great sales! Sweet! I love a good bargain!

LIFE- can be something to treasure

2009-02-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well bright and early on Monday morning at 6:15 my alarm went off letting me know it was time to jump in the shower and start my day. I had a spacial treat planned for that day. My papa Tuter was going to take me on a road trip just me and him! We drove all the way up to the Kansas border to see the tall grass prairies and all the Buffalo, and we saw lots of bald eagles! It was fun to have such quality time with him! He showed me his old schools and all the places he grew up and where Grandma grew up and all the places where he and grandma lived after they got married! Wow it was a treasure to hear all the stories, I really enjoyed it! Take some time in your busy lives to spend with your loved ones, never take the time you have with them for granted, I will treasure the time I got to spend with my sweet papa... forever.

LIFE- always shows you what you're made of

2009-01-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

What do you do when everything seems to fall apart? What do you do when someone you love turns their back on you? What do you do when your life seems unfair? What do you do when God takes something away you want or love dearly? What do you do when you feel all alone? What do you do? Do you run do the everlasting father, or do you slump down and say "this isn't fair", or " why me?" You see their is more in this life that so many people just overlook, so much more out in this great big world! God offers so much, stop running from the truth when you think that you're all alone... God is still there, in fact He is not going away...EVER! How cool is that to know, I mean REALLY know that God is in control of every situation! I'm not sure God causes every bad situation to teach us something, but I do know if He allows it than something good CAN come out of it. It doesn't mean something good will come out of it, it just means that if YOU will be willing God can make something good out of any situation! Just think back to some bad "seasons" in your life for a minute, how did you respond?, what were you made of ?,did you run to God with praise or did you slump alone and pout? I am not condemning anyone who ever feels down or has questions, I mean I am the first to admit I have been in the "pouting for poor me" way more than I'd like to admit, but this is truth! God is with you always, His ways are not our ways, and He is in control of even our greatest enemy! Let's work together on finding out what we're made of...even in the trials. Lord please make me learn to run to you first in trials, to cry out to You and to truly seek what You can show me every day and every moment!

LIFE- can be full of unanswered whys, yet somehow full of Praise!

2009-01-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord how awesome you are to me! Everyday you lead me, guide me, hold me and love me! Wow you are so amazing to me! Oh how amazing you are...oh Lord I praise your Holy name! Show me, teach me, guide me, I want to be like you, show me how to love with your love! Show me how to make it through the tests and the storms. Lord it feels at times like my world is crumbling all around me physically, emotionally, mentally, but you are always by my side holding me when it's too much. Lord why is it that the storms I've been facing have been more overwhelming than anything I've ever had to deal with, why is it that I am more scared on this journey leading to my freedom? Why is it,... is it the challenge of it all, is it my fear of failing, is it simply the enemy fighting to hold on? What is it? I know you have a plan for my life, help me to fight the good fight to put on the FULL armor of God, help me to rest in the trials and Lord give me the strength to finish this journey strong and well. Please teach me and mold me into the person You want me to be, please take away all the distractions of my flesh the thoughts that aren't from you, the actions that I shouldn't do. Lord I give it all to you, I release it to you all the pain the burdens the past, please take it from me! I want to be me again the "me" You designed me to be, the child of God You created! Oh Lord how good you are to me, I love you. Bring me out of this pit help me to learn from the mistakes that I have made, help me to mature in your ways, oh Lord please don't let this suffering be in vain, show me how to change and then give me the strength to do whatever is necessary! Lord you know I don't understand why I must go through what you allow me to, but Lord please just give me the peace to accept this storm in my life and become a better person in your ministry because of it!

This song is my plea and every word of it speaks so much to me, I cry every time I sing it (and read it), it is so powerful!

Lord thank you for this song: I will praise you in the Storm

I was sure by now God You would have reached down And wiped my tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining But as the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry You raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can't find You As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from?My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from?My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm By Casting Crowns

LIFE- Can give you results

2009-01-20T11:06:00.000-08:00

Well my red lipstick day was a success I am so happy to announce! God is so good, I was feeling down and discouraged and He said keep your chin up, you can do it! And well this is for all the skeptics who laughed at my red lipstick. Before and after shots are fun, and scary lol!

LIFE- can be what you need it to be

2009-01-19T13:44:00.000-08:00

Here I am sitting with red lipstick on... funny huh! You know something I have quickly learned on this new journey is you do what you have to do to make it through each day! Some days it's harder to get motivated, well it's not going to get me down, my mom wisely stated "Amy you can do it, just take it one day at a time, and when that's too much take it one moment at a time." Well I'm doing just that when everything starts weighing down I reach my hands to the sky and say Lord grant me the grace for this one moment and He is faithful! Thank you Lord for giving me grace for this moment! So what I needed to do today was get dressed up just to clean the house laugh if you want too... but you know I gotta do what it takes and if it takes walking around the house wearing a cute outfit with matching earrings and red lipstick than so be it! God is so good to give us a place of refuge a place where we can curl up in His lap and just cry our heart out, He is the best listener and He comforts us and somehow without doing the hard stuff for us, He walks us through it so we can grow, ever so gently He assures us, yes you can! And yes we can... through Christ all things are possible! Let's shine together this year even on the red lipstick days!

LIFE- can teach you self control

2009-01-16T18:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is so hard to hold your tongue, why is that? Why do people judge so harshly, and why do they speak their mind when it is not needed nor wanted? Why God why, can you help me understand? Why does it matter what they say or who they say it who? Does it, should it, Lord help me understand. How can I be more like Christ I ask myself Oh so many ways but can I do it? Lord you love me even when I don't deserve it, please show me how to love those around me even when I don't feel like it. Please love the unlovable through me. I truly desire your love to shine through me and spread though out the people in my world! Thank you for your unfailing love, please help me to be as kind to the people in my life. Please help me shine Lord!

LIFE- can be confusing

2009-01-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

Well so many things going on! Some are good others not so much but overall the Lord is good. As many of you know I have some medical stuff going on, and trying to find insurance for prexistig condition is nearly imposable, and extremely expensive! So just when I thought I had a plan, I got another loop thrown at me, will it ever end? Probably not but I guess that is when we have to have faith in the fact the God never changes he is the same yesterday today and tomorrow! God is truly my best friend, he has walked through many a lonely night with me, He has carried me many an imposable climb, and He has comforted me many a mournful moment. The truly most amazing part about that to me is that He has also seen me deepest sin, and heard my worst thought and He has felt when I hurt Him. He is the perfect example of true love, He never loves out of duty, He never loves with conditions, He never loves with less than all that He can, and He never stops loving even for a second! Wow isn't God good to us!? Just when life begins to crush you remember you have a friend who is stronger than the pain, and bigger than your fears, and He loves you more than humanly passable. Thank you Lord for the friend you are to me, please guide me through this journey of the unknown guide me in the way I should go, please give me the strength to endure the pain, and Lord I do pray that you will make me well. Amen!

LIFE- can be so sweet!

2009-01-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

Yes it is official, my husband is the sweetest most thoughtful man in the whole world. Just when I start to doubt he goes and does something small that is so sweet it makes me cry! Wow thank you Lord for the wonderful blessing you have given me in Jon! Just wanted the whole world what an oh so blessed gal I am!

LIFE- can be up and down

2009-01-06T14:44:00.000-08:00

Well I am about a week into this new journey of mine. At times the choices seem easy but other times it takes everything in me to press on. It probably sounds a Little silly that I am already struggling and it hasn't even been a whole week. Wow this is going to be a long year! God is good and I hope I can do this, if I do the glory all will go to Him because I know this is imposable to do on my own. Isn't the Lord so good to us?! Well tonight I am going on a date with my wonderful husband, I am looking forward to having his attention. I hate sharing him with work! He works so much and so hard that even when he is home I feel like I don't get him, but Tues. night is my night and it is the highlight of my week, every week! the 14th of this month will be our 16th month we've been married, time truly does fly by! God has been helping me learn to let go of people's expectations, and helping me learn to not carry so much burden of others problems. It is something I have tried to learn to do so many times but have failed time and time again. It is just one of the many things I am attempting to learn this year. Do you ever feel as though you are drowning but only because of other people pushing you down? People say so many hurtful things and than they don't even give it another thought, people like me hear it, get completely crushed and hurt, than it repeatedly comes to mind at the worst of times. Eventually it makes a sensitive person grow hard and bitter and angry at the people that go around throwing out comments that alter your life so dearly and they go on living their life as if nothing is wrong. You get angry that they can do that. Justice must be done you want to shout! Don't you realize the damage your hateful words cause? As this has been the story of my life for sure learning to let go and forgive those who have no remorse and often no memory of the event or exchange of words, is harder than it sounds. You see forgiving and forgetting is a simple saying but the action is far more complex than that, what does it mean? It means those days when the hot tears of anger flow down your cheeks and you have been wrongfully accused once again, their in that place sitting alone find God and ask him to bless those that persecute you, love one another just as Jesus did. As hard as it is to take such pain of hateful judgment that is not true, letting go and receiving God's peace and love in your heart is a great reward. And I think the more you practice this the more natural it will come, before you know it that will be your first reaction to those who wrong you, instead of holding in the pain and letting it fill you until you cry alone in the dark at night full of pain. I believe God will help those who try to make this effort, and I think the reward of making this choice will truly bless you in unimaginable ways! I am looking forward to this being my automatic reaction! Hopefully it will be soon, habits are hard to change but the Lord is bigger than any habit I could create! Have a great weekend and don't forget to shine this year!

LIFE- Can give you a song

2009-01-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

This is my time, at times i felt like i had lost myself, Cause people try to make you someone else, I had to learn to trust my heart so Things can changeI came to a point where i could speak my mind And not feel im living in a box and keep the girl i am concealed ... i finally found the strength so i can leave it that all behind(CHORUS)This is my time to shine This is my place to find all that i have inside i never knew This is my time to show What i must have always known that nothings impossible And dreams come true .. everybodys got the strength inside all it takes is time to realize That you and only you can be the one to decide I can i will i know that everything i want i can do believing in myself That every wish i make will come true I took a while to get this far but im here now (CHORUS)This is my time to shine This is my place to find all that i have inside i never knew This is my time to showWhat i must have always known that nothings impossible And dreams come true Overcoming all these things . Here i finally found my wings .. Now i know im ready to fly(CHORUS)This is my time to shine This is my place to find all that i have inside i never knew This is my time to show What i must have always known That nothings impossible and dreams come true This is my time This is my time (CHORUS)This is my time to shine This is my place to find all that i have inside i never knew This is my time to show What i must have always known That nothings impossible and dreams come true

This song is called "this is my time" I heard it on a movie and I love it!

LIFE- always gives you a new day

2009-01-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

God can take you from despair...

...To complete Joy and He shines His love on you

From despair to joy! Lord shine your grace on me!
God knows what's on the the other side of the "rock wall" in your life, you can't see but trust Him and the other side is always beutifully worth it!

2009 is my year to shine! I am convinced this year is my year, I am going to give it everything I've got, I am sick a tired of being sick and tired! Nothing is holding me back besides myself and I am getting out of the way. I know I'll have bad days and sad days and depressing days, but I resolve this year WILL be different! I am so excited about my new venture and what possibilities I may encounter! It feels good to be optimistic, I am not that way naturally. God is so good to see us through everything we face, although I am without a doubt facing some great challenges I realize that God is enough! Satan can take away so much but only as much as God allows! He has a plan and maybe just maybe He wants me to feel hopeless so I realize how much I need Him! Well I don't think He wants me to feel hopeless but I do know that as my heavenly father He does what's best for me even when it is hard for me! I know this year is going to be great if I can stay optimistic and not give up, but I also know it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It's way past time to put my foot down and turn me around. I through my hands up in the air, "Jesus take the wheel take it from my hands cuz I can't do this on my own, I'm letting go so give me one more chance save me from this road I'm on, oh Jesus take the wheel!" Take it from me Jesus This song is my plea. So far on my new journey I've been doing well, and I do feel better but it hasn't been easy, I hope I can do this! If you would keep me in your prayers I know through Christ all things are possible!

LIFE- can be full of ?'s

2008-12-29T22:15:00.000-08:00

Sitting here all alone wondering why and what went wrong, could I be lost or perhaps just off course, or is this my destiny lost and afraid? The pain doesn't subside the questions rule my mind, the thoughts steal my rest the bitterness steals my hope, my joy is fading as I fight for each day, the enemy is winning as he drags me far away, my heart begins to ache will this ever end? Test after test do I have it within? It starts in the morning do I have the strength to stand, and than it goes on to haunt me like a shadow following my every attempt to escape. Will I make it through such a time as this, is this time soon to pass, can I make it through this unexplainable time can it be real the truth is hard to bare? God are you there listening to my plea? Help me Lord to understand your plan. I love you Lord and I lift my voice to worship you oh my soul rejoice, take joy my Lord in what you hear my it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear! You are my strength when I am weak you are the treasure that I seek you are my all in all taking my sin my cross my shame rising again I bless your name you are my all in all. When peace like a river attendeth my way when sorrows like sea billows role whatever my lot though has taught me to say it is well it is well with my soul, it is well it is well with my soul!

LIFE- can be AHHHHH!!!

2008-12-25T09:08:00.001-08:00

merry christmas! I got a new car! AHHHHHHHH!

Jon is the best!

LIFE- Is moving on

2008-12-21T17:15:00.000-08:00

Jesus will be right beside you all way! Merry Christmas!!! Can you believe it, four days till Christmas?!?! This month has flown by, this year has flown by! Well I just though I would say Hope the rest of 2008 is full of blessings!

LIFE- is freezing!

2008-12-16T10:27:00.000-08:00

Yes winter is officially here! I don't know about you, but I'm cold! My fingers hurt in my own house, what's a girl to do? Anyway, Sunday was a beautiful day, in fact I got a little warm in my short sleeve shirt, than by evening it was freezing. Weird how quickly it can change! You know, I'd like to think global warming isn't really happening and the people that think it is are dorks! It's freaking 20 degrees outside and that's a lot warmer than it's been the last two days. Well Sunday night before Jon and I went to bed we went to turn on the sink in the kitchen and bathroom so the pipes would not freeze (they already have once this winter, and we left it dripping). So we went to turn them on and this time we were going to really leave quite a bit on so the same thing wouldn't happen again... too bad. They were already frozen ahhhhhh! Ya, can you believe it, it was 70 degrees earlier the same day my pipes froze! So lucky for us the bathroom hadn't froze yet, so we turned it on and hoped for the best. The next day never got above 19 degrees so our pipes could not defrost. Well this morning we woke up to a banging on our bedroom window, apparently a waterline broke from our house and it was flooding the street. Well Jon had to instantly turn off all the water(witch allows the bathroom pipes to freeze) to stop the water that is going to make our driveway and street an ice skating ring. Not fun so Jon and his brother have been crawling around under the house in the cold, they even had to dig up our beautiful flower bed Jon worked so hard on. Not sure what the good in this is yet, but I am trying to find it. I guess I'm glad it's outside flooding and not inside, like last time! And I guess I'm glad Jon knows how to fix it! Oh well I guess I can give up having water for awhile, maybe I'll crash my parents house! Any who, that's what's going on here in the Burk household! Enjoy your holiday!

LIFE- can be seasonal

2008-12-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

Wow our first Christmas without are beloved Granny. She will surly be missed by us all, the sound of her voice as she read the Christmas story, the warmth of her prayers before the Christmas dinner. The familiar " Oh! thank you!" to the giver of every gift she received, the generosity of her giving everyone something. Mostly I think what I'll miss is the Christmas card signed unmistakably in Granny's handwriting " with all my love, Granny". Merry Christmas my dear sweet Granny. With all my love, Amy

LIFE- can be exciting when you get something new!

2008-12-01T08:23:00.000-08:00

OK so I got a new laptop!!! I am so super duper excited! I have never had a laptop before and so this is all very new and exciting! I should be updating on a more regular basis now that I have dependable access! Wow December, can you believe it? My friend is getting married in May and I am sure time is ticking ever so slowly to her but for me...wow time is flying. I think this is the first time in my life that I'm not waiting for some major event. Ever since I was old enough to remember I've been waiting, for example, before I started school I couldn't wait to start, after I started school I couldn't wait to graduate, after graduation I couldn't wait till my wedding. You see wait wait wait that's all I did and my life seemed to creep by ever so slowly. Here I am for the first time in my life really not waiting on any certain thing, and guess what my life is flying, and as I look back I realize wow when did I turn 20? You see waiting is fine but don't forget to live your life in the present not just the dream of the future. Although it's definitely easier said than done, because in all honesty if you made me do it over again I don't think I could help but to be anxious for all of those things again. Oh well life's too short to wonder about the past so on to the future (however still remembering the present)! How about the snow this morning? Wasn't that great! We put up our Christmas lights and our Christmas tree and now we are ready for Christmas, so let it snow, let is snow, let it snow!!! Well I hope you all are doing great happy holidays!!

LIFE- can be hard without a computer

2008-11-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

Well having no computer is no fun! Sorry it's been so long since an update our computer hardrive decited to crash. So untill we can get some extra cash (yeah right) we are going to buy a new one. So until then my posts will probably be pretty scarce. Anyway that's not much but it will have to do for now. At least that's my explination for no posts.

LIFE- is always teaching us something new

2008-10-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

What am I to do I wonder? Am I happy am I sad, who am I? Who have I become and when did I become me. Who am I, am I me? Do you ever feel lost in your own body? If I may I am going to be transparent. I have always been somewhat negative but also somewhat upbeat and outgoing. I would consider myself somewhat likeable at least I used to be. Who have I become and when did it happen? I have been dealing with anger and bitterness, pain and shame. What a life. I have found new emotions I didn't know excisted. How to deal with them and what to do to change it is a mystery beyond my comprehention. I have days where all seems good and I feel some, I don't know, some sort of impowerment I guess. It is on these days or in these moments I decide I don't need help. Then I get back to depression and anxity and I lose all source of impowerment and motivation. I'm actually feeling pretty good today but a couple of days and sleepless nights ago if you would have asked well that would have been a different story sure to have waterworks preasent. As a christian I have feelings of guilt at times realizing that God should be all that we need and that as christians we should have the "joy of the Lord". You know what I'm talking about you've heard it. I've really been coming to grips with the reality of it through many words of comfort by other fellow christians. You are a child of God He loves you and wants the best for you, it's ok if you need help. The Lord has allowed me to see yes His grace is sufficiant for any situation but He has put doctors in my life. Next time maybe you feel guilty about taking things like me, maybe you can try to think about it this way. When you are struggling and you feel traped, lost, broken, or maybe just alone, remember you could be used so much more mightaly if you are physically and mentally able to serve others. When you refuse to get help and you strugle in silence how can that be all that you were meant to do? God loves us His children and it is His desire for us to go out and share His love and peace. Friends, we absolutely must have peace in our own hearts and minds in order to show others His peace. The guilt you feel or perhaps the fear you have is Satin and his evil traps. Go and be impowered with God's peace recieve His offer to take over your troubles, weather they are physical, mental, emotional, or a mixture of things. Recieve peace today and as a child of God recieve the joy that is offered to you and perhaps for the first time without reservation share that joy and peace with others this holiday season! I love you and please continue to pray for me because I can know this truth and still fall. Let's do this together, you and me let's go and serve Christ more efficiantly! Praise the Lord He is good!!

LIFE- is overwhelming but good

2008-10-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been quite a while. I kept meaning to update and then I'd get busy and forget. Since the last time I wrote Jon and I had our one year wedding anniversary, my twentieth birthday, Jon's twenty-fourth birthday, and we spent three weeks in colorado. Pretty crazy huh! Well to catch you up Jon and I had a GREAT anniversary, we went to dinner at the melting pot down town than we took a moonlit carrage ride. We ate our wedding cake topper and yes suprisingly it still tasted pretty good ( Thanks to my life savor Mrs. Cole ;)For our gifts to one another we bought a really nice canon reble camera and a JVC vedio camera. Jon surprised me and made reservations in the same hotel room where we stayed on our wedding night*smiles* and he got me one dozen white roses, oh and a very sweet card that made me cry. For my birthday we went to Ouray Co. which is also where we went on our honey moon. We don't have that much money to spare right now so we didn't know if we were going to be able to go or not, after looking at our budget we decided that we could go for a week. Once we got up there my super talented husband got a job painting and made enough money for us to be able to stay three whole weeks without spending hardly any of our own money! It was so nice to get away from...well certin things that stress me out let's just say. We had such a great time there JUST the two of us. Sometimes I feel like we're together but we're not spending time together, anywhy it was really nice to just have fun toghther. While we were there I turned twenty. I have to admit it was not a very good day. I was really dealing with something I'm not sure what, regaurdless Jon made me feel so special he surprised me and switched rooms in our hotel so that we could have a king size bed instead of a queen and a tub instead of a very small shower, and our new room was actually a two room suite instead of a very small room. He is so thoughtful. Also the room we switched to we stayed in it the remander of our trip first for $65 a night, but than it was droped to $50 a night! Wow this was a $140 per night room! The Lord must have knwn we needed this trip. After we got home Jon turned 24. I got him a beach volleyball some sand socks, some reases peanut butter cups, and I made cinnomon roles and coffee for breakfast, enchallada casserolle for lunch, and chicken alfreado for dinner. Than I surprised hime with an oreo ice cream pie for dessert and we watched the new "Indianna Jones " movie. We had a good day. Well I hope all is well with everyone, please pray for us as we are really in need of some things to sell, we have expenses that are coming and we know the Lord will provide but we could really use the money. Please pray that we will be able to be patient and at peace in God's timing for finaces.

LIFE- Is just life

2008-09-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

Well nothing too exciting or new going on here. I have been pretty busy just with random things though. Every Tuesday Jon and I go out on a date :) you know to keep the romance flame alive lol. Every Wednesday morning Mom and I go to a bible study together, other than that my week is full of different things. I got a really cute new coat! I can't wait till I can wear it! I totally need to get back out to my Grandma's house and help her start a blog, and pick up the deep freezer that has been there for too long. I picked up the house yesterday, it needed it, I still need to do the office somehow it always gets overlooked. I guess because it is going to be a big organizing job. I have recesed lighting in my house and everyone is burned out in my kitchen, at least one in my liveing room( we just replaced two in there two days ago) and four bulbs are out in my bathroom crazy huh. Talk about a honey "to do" list! LOL. Gas prices are crazy! We just bought a new truck, well new to us, bringing our total vehicle number to a grand 5 and might I remind you we only have two drivers. So if anyone would like a '98 sinoma GMC,'71 chevy,'59 chevy, or a '9? honda prelude, let us know! Oh Jon is my hero he got my sewing machine working, I couldn't figure it out for anything! I'm having a lot of fun with it! I wish I was better at sewing, but it takes paitience and for some reason I run out quick when I am sewing. I can't believe it has only been three months since my dear granny passed away. It seems like so long ago, I'm not sure why, maybe because so much has happened since her passing. Watching someone take there last breath is something you never forget. I'm so glad she wasn't alone when she passed, she told me she was ready and that she would see me on the other side in heaven, I held her hand and walked with her to the end she was so strong yet so frail, fighting for each breath afraid yet confident. What a wonderful person she was. Hearing her prayers were so touching, because even though you heard her routine prayers to hear her pray them they never seemed routine, she prayed with an earnestness no words could express she often time would cry out to her father with tears in her eyes. What an amazing role for us to follow.

LIFE- Can be so not what you expect

2008-09-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

Rain rain go away come again another day! I'm not a big fan of rainny days, but I did rather enjoy waking up in the middle of the night with the gental pitter patter of the raindrops out my window. I am so blessed to have the husband God gave me! I wake up nearly every morning to him saying "I love you" or him giving me a kiss. He is always faithful to work hard to provide for our needs and wants. When he comes home he has a smile on his face, he greets me with a kiss, and he is even thoughtful enough to take a shower and change his clothes before he sets on my white couch... sorry OUR white couch :) He spiols me with his love and kindness, and when we go to sleep each night he insits on getting a kiss good night, even when I'm not so happy(not like that ever happens*ahem*) Sometimes I wonder why he choose me, and I guess I'll never know, but what I do know is that he is not what I had expected to have in my life. It just goes to show God has a better plan for our lives than we could ever even dream up. Well enjoy this rainny day and don't let it get you down, and even though you may not have the warm fuzzys today for the one you love, remember to say "I love you".

LIFE- can be gone in a second

2008-08-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

The other day Jon was at work and I was at home all was normal. My mom called to ask if we wanted to come over for a longtime promised steak dinner. I said I would call Jon to see how long he would be working, he said he could be home in time and all was set into motion. As I was getting ready to go Jon informed me that he was running late, I sad it's ok, don't speed(he is still under probation from his last ticket)I'll call mom and tell her we'll be about 15 min. late. Than about 20 min. later Jon calls and said there was a little problem, I could tell I didn't want to know but I had to ask what it was. Trying to not get to frusterated at him I asked are you stranded? Hoping it wasn't another ticket, and then remembering back to one of my older xanga posts the last time he was stranded I had to go get him in my robe(I had the flu yuk!) It was kinda a funny story ...but not at the time. Anyway as these things were going through my head I asked him what it was and he said well I had a blow out. I said ok, are you ok? He said yes but I hit a railroad tie and it broke my wheel, so I can't just change the tire I have to get the truck towed. What is it with us and car problems, and tickets around September?!!! Well not like we had the money, but oh well we had no choice. Well my dear sweet uncle came to the rescue and HAPPILY towed Jon's chevy with his ford. Them and there ongoing discussion on which is better chevy or ford. Well My dad went and got Jon, Uncle John got his truck towed it to his house then brought it to his shop the next morning, and I packed some things for Jon to get cleaned up and headed to my parents. When I got there Jon came shortly after he took a shower, cleaned up, and by the time we sat down to dinner it was around 8:00pm. We ate dinner played one game of cards and headed home. When we laid our heads down that night we were so grateful that Jon was kept safe. When I found out more details about it I was so grateful to the Lord for His protection. Jon was going about 75mph when he hit one of those wooden railroad ties, but the scary part was he was in the fast lane passing a 18 wheeler. It through his truck up on to two wheels completly blew the tire broke the rim, the jolt busted some of his dash board, his CD player poped open things flew all over the place, and he came home safe and sound. But it made me put life into prospective. We never know when the end will be, are you ready?

LIFE- is what you make it

2008-08-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

hello to all i hope there is sunshine in your heart on this rainy day!

LIFE- can be so random

2008-08-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think you want something only to realize that what you thought you wanted isn't what you want at all? Sometimes that happens to me, maybe I'm just weird. Well we already know I'm a little strange lol. That was random lol. While were on the random thing, here are a few random things I've been wanting: The movie "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", the flavor of homeade apple pie with crumble topping melting in my mouth, the smell of vanilla and pumkin pie, christmas lights, colorado, parties, fun, I want to go swing, I want to send a gift to a friend, talk to my grandma tuter :)(love you), visit the swiss alps with the love of my life, go jogging in the fall leaves, dream about the future and what it holds, learn to love God even more, learn to have fun more often, learn to let things go, serve others before myself, buy a lollipop for my niece that make her eyes wide with excitment, think back to christmases long ago with christmas eve sister pallets and warm feelings in my heart, to have an amazing one year wedding anniversary with my husband, to give granny one more hug, to be able to live in her footsteps, to think of heaven, do things that make me happy life's too short for anything less, to see my old home the way it was before the memories fade away, to have more than two people read my posts lol, to inspire those around me, to one day be the mom I've always hoped I could be, to learn from my mom everything she has to offer, to not take life for granted, I want to make a wedding album, go on an adventure, see my future, I want to love without conditions, to accept without terms, to live without regrets, and to be all that I can be. Remember to live today and everyday to it's fullest, and remember scheduals are good but make sure you have time in your schedual for something random! Many blessings on you as you go throughout your day living your life to it's fullest!

LIFE- flys bye

2008-08-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Well today marks the 11th month of marriage for Jon and I. Can you believe it? Wow next month is one year. Not only is it crazy I've been married nearly a whole year, but it's crazy that the holiday season is right around the corner. I am thrilled about this season, I'm not sure why I am so ready but I am! I can't wait till I can step out on my porch and feel the cool crisp air, and breath in the freshness. I am so ready to bake holiday goodiess and make gifts (partialy because I can't afford to bye them hehehe). I can already picture the house trimed in it's white lights, and red orniments. Our home made reeth on the door. Going from the cold night into the warm house lit to perfection with the smell of cinnamon and hot chololate feeling the room. It just gives me the shiveres (the good kind lol) Well I must not get too excited it is still Aug. and when I walk out the door I am instantly hit with a wave of humidity, my hair get's all wavey and flat, and when I open my car to get in I can see the heat YUK! I want Christmas!!! Well at least I have the next seasons to look forward to! Life continues to go on even though tough at times. We are doing ok, we get by pretty well with the money Jon brings in, he works so hard. Unfourtaunatly their isn't a lot of extra when things come up like Jon geting a speeding tiket (*ahem*) not like that ever happens lol. I am praying that some extra cash will come in soon, because we can't realy go anywhere for our one year wedding anniversary like we planned. We wanted to go back to Ouray Colorado (where we got engaged and spent our honeymoon) but we will have to wait and see if it's going to happen. After such bad luck on our honeymoon, I'm not sure we want to go back lol. Go figure we go the whole year no tikets than the day after we decited we wanted to try to make a way to go back to Ouray, Jon get's a ticket. Maybe it's a sign lol. Oh well, whatever happens I'm sure our one year wedding anniversay will be the first of many great anniversaries! We are still looking for some good insurance and I think we are getting closer, but only the Lord knows whats going to happen. Wow I guess it's always the same in life everything happens at once. God is good and He will continue to take care of Jon and I, just as He has proved our whole lives and especially this last year we've had together. Thnk you Lord for you stability even when nothing else falls into place, and thank you for the best anniversery gift ever, the best husband in the whole world who shows me and tells me how much he loves me everyday!

LIFE - is expensive

2008-07-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well this is not a very exciting first blog, but you can go read my xanga posts from before if you want something more to read. I am asking all of you to pray for me, I am in need of it. Also if anybody knows of good cheap insurance please let me know. Please pray that the Lord would be in control and that He will give me His peace.